It's another quiet evening after another autumn-like day. I hope summer makes a comeback and stays around for a while - I'm not ready for fall yet. The title? Nothing much, just a phrase which popped into my head right before I started typing this. Though come to think of it, I've been pondering things recently - remembering periods of worry or stress, periods of waiting for the answers and solutions to some (then) Big Questions and Uncertainties. Everything passed, everything was fine in the end and, looking back, seems so insignificant. Perspective. Perspective is everything, isn't it?
So this shall pass.
In one of the corners of my living room, perched on a box full of books, is a cardboard tube. It contains a number of posters which I never unpacked after the last move - because I'm only here for a short while and because this place simply isn't worth them. One with Australian Aboriginal art. A penguin poster, and a tiger poster. A reproduction of an old map of Upper Canada. And my old blue Contemplation poster, which I probably miss the most. I can't wait until this poster, and other dear things, grace the space of a place which I will hold equally dear. I know that will come. It will come... because sooner or later, the winds of upheaval quieten, the waves soften, because sunlight always follows a storm. Because things pass.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Time To Lace Up My Shoes
I am sitting here, slowly sipping a latte and munching a delicious muffin from Cherry Bomb Coffee. I don't have anything profound or interesting to say... or if I do, it's not quite coming out. Things are going well, yet at the same time they aren't. Things are not good, yet at the same time they are. Is it always so? I have been receiving a mix of good and bad news recently, and there are moments when I can no longer make sense of anything. It would seem that, overall, everything is heading in the right direction. But up close, it's one step forward, two steps back.
It's about wanting to talk about the good things and the hopeful dreams and dreamy hopes, yet at the same time not wanting to jinx them. And about wanting to share the bad things, the disappointments and sad bits, yet at the same time wanting to forget about them.
I've been casting glances at my old journal, for months now. I always see it, and even if it's not in my range of vision, I know it's there, and I feel its pull. But when I open it and take a pen in my hand, my mind goes blank. I'm slowly realizing why that might be - and I pray that this is the reason indeed, or otherwise it simply means that I just cannot write anymore.
My journal. It's a thick, very thick, graph paper notebook in a plaid-patterned hard cover. The first entry dates to December many years ago... December 2000. Three years later, the entries get very - and I mean very - sparse. There is only one for all of 2004. Things pick up a bit in 2005 and 2006, but never quite recover.
Earlier this year, I tried an experiment with a calendar-type journal, in which one day had only one page. It was an attempt at combating the apparent issue of lack of time. Filling in one page per day would only take a few minutes. But this approach did not quite work. Some days, I did not feel like writing. Other days, I wanted to write pages and pages.
Thus, in April, I went back to the old notebook. In one of the entries, I hit the nail on the head and finally admitted to myself why I was having trouble writing. In a nutshell, I was not willing to write about the thing which truly need to be written down, and let out, released. The end result were dry, shallow entries. That's not what a journal is about.
Although I am still not quite ready to write about many things, I have made some progress. I will write about them. But first, I need to resolve a few others, bring a conclusion to a number of situations and issues.
The first page of my old notebook contains an anonymous quote. At the time, it was the perfect phrase to put at the start of a new volume of my diary. I have filled many journals in the past, and I had never expected this one to still have plenty of space left nearly 7 years later. The opening line has long since ceased to apply - to my life, and to me as a person.
Yet if I was to retire this journal and start a new one today, it would feel like running away and leaving things unfinished. Moreover, the overall situation would not change: I'd still struggle with putting some things in writing.
Soon, I will write again. In a new book. But first, I need to tie up the loose ends.
It's about wanting to talk about the good things and the hopeful dreams and dreamy hopes, yet at the same time not wanting to jinx them. And about wanting to share the bad things, the disappointments and sad bits, yet at the same time wanting to forget about them.
I've been casting glances at my old journal, for months now. I always see it, and even if it's not in my range of vision, I know it's there, and I feel its pull. But when I open it and take a pen in my hand, my mind goes blank. I'm slowly realizing why that might be - and I pray that this is the reason indeed, or otherwise it simply means that I just cannot write anymore.
My journal. It's a thick, very thick, graph paper notebook in a plaid-patterned hard cover. The first entry dates to December many years ago... December 2000. Three years later, the entries get very - and I mean very - sparse. There is only one for all of 2004. Things pick up a bit in 2005 and 2006, but never quite recover.
Earlier this year, I tried an experiment with a calendar-type journal, in which one day had only one page. It was an attempt at combating the apparent issue of lack of time. Filling in one page per day would only take a few minutes. But this approach did not quite work. Some days, I did not feel like writing. Other days, I wanted to write pages and pages.
Thus, in April, I went back to the old notebook. In one of the entries, I hit the nail on the head and finally admitted to myself why I was having trouble writing. In a nutshell, I was not willing to write about the thing which truly need to be written down, and let out, released. The end result were dry, shallow entries. That's not what a journal is about.
Although I am still not quite ready to write about many things, I have made some progress. I will write about them. But first, I need to resolve a few others, bring a conclusion to a number of situations and issues.
The first page of my old notebook contains an anonymous quote. At the time, it was the perfect phrase to put at the start of a new volume of my diary. I have filled many journals in the past, and I had never expected this one to still have plenty of space left nearly 7 years later. The opening line has long since ceased to apply - to my life, and to me as a person.
Yet if I was to retire this journal and start a new one today, it would feel like running away and leaving things unfinished. Moreover, the overall situation would not change: I'd still struggle with putting some things in writing.
Soon, I will write again. In a new book. But first, I need to tie up the loose ends.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Happy Birthday Puppy!
Yesterday marked the birthday of someone truly wonderful. Someone who is a very skilled in of all softs of arts, such as boucing, barking-when-not-asked, tug-of-warring, food-begging, leaning-against-potential-fur-strokers and winning-your-heart. But most importantly, someone who has truly mastered the art of staying young at heart. :)
Happy 13th Birthday Ace!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Frog Tunes
A few nights ago, on a warm, quiet evening, I sat on an old wooden veranda overlooking a peaceful, beautiful and soothing garden. The floorboards cracked slightly whenever someone shuffled behind me, a gentle smell of incense was penetrating the air. I could hear the guzzling of a small water fountain, and I knew that there were dozens of fish swimming in the pond. If I stretched out my hand, I could touch the wooden banister. The wood was old, unpainted, polished by decades of use and weather, so worn out, I could trace the annual rings of the tree which it once was.
I sat there with my eyes closed, and I listened. It almost felt like being transported back in time, to a small intersection where a stony, unpaved road branched off an asphalt track to climb a steep hill. On one corner, there was a fence and a house, and on the other, there was a shallow pond, the size of which changed just as the seasons changed. In that pond, frogs changed and sang their songs every summer evening.
It's only been a few nights since I sat on the wooden veranda inhaling the incense-filled air, and since the frogs chanted and sang, chanted and sang, like they did in that old pond so many summers ago.
Some day I will again sit somewhere and listen. And when I will think back, will it be the 6-year-old, or the 26-year-old that I will think of? Or will it be the frogs?
I sat there with my eyes closed, and I listened. It almost felt like being transported back in time, to a small intersection where a stony, unpaved road branched off an asphalt track to climb a steep hill. On one corner, there was a fence and a house, and on the other, there was a shallow pond, the size of which changed just as the seasons changed. In that pond, frogs changed and sang their songs every summer evening.
It's only been a few nights since I sat on the wooden veranda inhaling the incense-filled air, and since the frogs chanted and sang, chanted and sang, like they did in that old pond so many summers ago.
Some day I will again sit somewhere and listen. And when I will think back, will it be the 6-year-old, or the 26-year-old that I will think of? Or will it be the frogs?
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Mini Announcement
No, I'm not giving up blogging. ;)
I just wanted my potential leaders to know that the blog will be undergoing an extended period of silence. Up to a month. I will be back though!
This post will be deleted once I'm back online.
ETA: I am considering making this blog 'per invitation only.' I'm not saying it will happen, but it might, so if you'd like to continue reading in the future, please drop me a line.
To figure out my email addy, put together the blog URL (the part before .blogspot.com, to be specific) and gmail.com.
I just wanted my potential leaders to know that the blog will be undergoing an extended period of silence. Up to a month. I will be back though!
This post will be deleted once I'm back online.
ETA: I am considering making this blog 'per invitation only.' I'm not saying it will happen, but it might, so if you'd like to continue reading in the future, please drop me a line.
To figure out my email addy, put together the blog URL (the part before .blogspot.com, to be specific) and gmail.com.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Grassy Zen
I've been trying to come up with something about Phil's visit. I know I kind of should, and maybe that's making it harder. The day when I was feeling slightly inspired, my internet connection died, and I couldn't even be bothered starting up the computer. And since then, nothing is coming out
It's been hard times recently, in an emotional sense. I've been feeling down and rather unhappy - with self, not life or things around me. There are things I badly need to work out, but neither writing nor talking about them seems to help. Action is what is needed, I suppose, but I'm in a rut with that too.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park, alternating between sitting on the grass in the shade and sitting on the grass in the sun, more or less in the same spot where my friend and I had rolled down the grassy hill some weeks ago. I read, wrote in my journal, looked at the scenery, thought, drank water and ate my favourite chocolate wafer bar. And thought, and thought and thought.
Later, I walked around a bit, and my steps took me to a lovely and shady hillside rock garden, complete with a small stream flowing down the rocks and forming waterfalls. There were two red-leafed trees near the top, and the contrast with the greenery around was simply stunning. It made me think of Japan. One almost expected to find a temple somewhere up there.
I stood there for a while, leaning against the iron fence, oblivious to all the comings and goings of families and kids and to all the photo sessions. I saw a bird take a bath in the stream, and I watched the chipmunks as they were running around, chasing each other and picking acorns. A small woodpecker made an appearance. The water made a gentle noise. It was lovely and serene whenever I was there by myself, and that was often, for I stood there for a long time. Eventually I walked way, though my heart ached to stay.
It's been hard times recently, in an emotional sense. I've been feeling down and rather unhappy - with self, not life or things around me. There are things I badly need to work out, but neither writing nor talking about them seems to help. Action is what is needed, I suppose, but I'm in a rut with that too.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park, alternating between sitting on the grass in the shade and sitting on the grass in the sun, more or less in the same spot where my friend and I had rolled down the grassy hill some weeks ago. I read, wrote in my journal, looked at the scenery, thought, drank water and ate my favourite chocolate wafer bar. And thought, and thought and thought.
Later, I walked around a bit, and my steps took me to a lovely and shady hillside rock garden, complete with a small stream flowing down the rocks and forming waterfalls. There were two red-leafed trees near the top, and the contrast with the greenery around was simply stunning. It made me think of Japan. One almost expected to find a temple somewhere up there.
I stood there for a while, leaning against the iron fence, oblivious to all the comings and goings of families and kids and to all the photo sessions. I saw a bird take a bath in the stream, and I watched the chipmunks as they were running around, chasing each other and picking acorns. A small woodpecker made an appearance. The water made a gentle noise. It was lovely and serene whenever I was there by myself, and that was often, for I stood there for a long time. Eventually I walked way, though my heart ached to stay.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Cherry Blossoms, Grassy Hills and Stairs
A lot has been going on, and things have changed, but everything is still the same: I am still behind with my uni projects and unable to work on them, and my living situation is still totally messed up. The good thing is that I did finish the big personal project as planned, thus giving myself the birthday gift I had wanted: having it done and submitted. No news from the receiving end yet, but hopefully soon. I am antsy for the second stage of the project to get moving!
Focus has been totally off for the past few weeks. It was a bit of a weird holiday at first, but now I'm simply tired of this state of things. I can't wait to get back on top of things. I hope that my new living quarters will become liveable by Friday evening, so that I can have a bit of time to unpack at least some of the boxes and make the place at least a bit cozy before I head to the airport on Saturday evening. Guess who is coming to town? ;)
I'm trying to work through some emotional issues. In my head for now, but I hope to transfer my deliberations on to paper (or blog) in the near future. I seem to have tripped on the snare known as 'bad stuff from the past.' In the meantime, here are some joys I had intended to share, but never got around to it.
~~~ CN Tower Stair Climb for WWF in late April
I braved the 1776 steps and did extremely well. Apparently the average time to climb is 30-40 minutes. I was very nervous, but dead set of not exceeding half an hour. Well, I did it in less than 20 minutes and the climb was everything but the dreadful exertion I had expected. Very happy.
~~~ Ohanami, or flower viewing, of the blossoming Japanese Cherry Trees
This is something I had only found out about last year, despite having lived here for a decade. Even though I was in Australia at the time, I was determined to make it this year. I did, and it was gorgeous. Although I have seen blooming cherry trees in the past, I had always treated the display as just one of the phases of spring. This time, I made sure to enjoy and appreciate the beauty.
~~~ Rolling down a grassy hill
A few days after my visit to the see the cherry blossoms, I returned with a friend. Alas, we were too late. The cherry trees were green, not white. We walked on through the park, slightly disappointed but still enjoying ourselves. The footpath took us to the top of a fairly steep slope and my friend remarked how the hill looked just perfect for rolling down. She had barely finished saying that when we noticed a few kids doing just that. We burst out laughing, and... followed suit. It was my first grassy hill roll in a very long time, and a great experience. I must remember to do it again in the future... once in a while, though without waiting two decades!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Send Me Some Sunshine, Send Me A Rainbow
Very very very VERY stressed. Upheaval. Deadlines. Moving. Hopes. Projects. Construction. Dreams. New activities. An upcoming visit. Frustrations. Unstable weather. Laundry. Stressed, stressed, stressed. Crazy wheel. One difficult thing makes another difficult thing yet more difficult, making everything even more difficult in turn.
Where do I start?
I've been working on a personal project since January. It took forever to get all the pieces together, but I finally have them. I am trying to have everything ready by tomorrow, and tiny little complications keep popping up. Logistics.
For various reasons, I'm very behind - drastically behind - with two uni projects. I need to be spending every waking moment on that, but I can't. Logistics.
I was due to move on the 11th. A couple of days earlier, I got told that the new place was not ready and found out that I could not stay longer at my old place because it's been rented out. I decided to camp it out somehow. Just a few days, right? I had my phone and internet service disconnected as planned. Logistics.
It's the 16th, and I'm still sleeping on the floor in my old apartment because the new place is everything but liveable. That state of the matter is unlikely to change any time soon. No clothes, no dishes, no food, no phone, no internet, no table or chair and a whole lot to do. Logistics.
Did I mention logistics? That says it all, so I'll skip the long story.
Perhaps I shouldn't be a rainbow chaser. How can you chase the rainbow if the drama never seems to end? :) The above paragraphs just barely skim the surface of a very complicated story. Good things? Plenty. :) Spring is here. Green leaves, and lily of the valley starting to blossom in the shade. Violets, and blooming cherry trees. Lush green grass. Rolling down a hill with a good friend, laughing out loud and inhaling the gorgeous sweet smell of strawberries. A new yoga course, and a new skating season, and good jumps. Ethiopian, Indian, Korean, Thai, Middle Eastern, Vietnamese, French and Polish food in expedient white takeout boxes. Thunderstorms and smell of freshness in the air. Random tunes playing themselves in my head over and over and over again. May, as in May the month. And never stopping to chase that rainbow.
Where do I start?
I've been working on a personal project since January. It took forever to get all the pieces together, but I finally have them. I am trying to have everything ready by tomorrow, and tiny little complications keep popping up. Logistics.
For various reasons, I'm very behind - drastically behind - with two uni projects. I need to be spending every waking moment on that, but I can't. Logistics.
I was due to move on the 11th. A couple of days earlier, I got told that the new place was not ready and found out that I could not stay longer at my old place because it's been rented out. I decided to camp it out somehow. Just a few days, right? I had my phone and internet service disconnected as planned. Logistics.
It's the 16th, and I'm still sleeping on the floor in my old apartment because the new place is everything but liveable. That state of the matter is unlikely to change any time soon. No clothes, no dishes, no food, no phone, no internet, no table or chair and a whole lot to do. Logistics.
Did I mention logistics? That says it all, so I'll skip the long story.
Perhaps I shouldn't be a rainbow chaser. How can you chase the rainbow if the drama never seems to end? :) The above paragraphs just barely skim the surface of a very complicated story. Good things? Plenty. :) Spring is here. Green leaves, and lily of the valley starting to blossom in the shade. Violets, and blooming cherry trees. Lush green grass. Rolling down a hill with a good friend, laughing out loud and inhaling the gorgeous sweet smell of strawberries. A new yoga course, and a new skating season, and good jumps. Ethiopian, Indian, Korean, Thai, Middle Eastern, Vietnamese, French and Polish food in expedient white takeout boxes. Thunderstorms and smell of freshness in the air. Random tunes playing themselves in my head over and over and over again. May, as in May the month. And never stopping to chase that rainbow.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
In Every Peacock's Life
There comes a time
in every peacock's life
when he must consider
the size of his tail,
for the bigger the tail...
These words have been with me constantly over the past few days, primarily because last Sunday, I unexpectedly saw an amazing display of the blue-green plumage in all its glory. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five Indian Peafowl's and just as many glorious fanned trains.
On a side note, I love Animal Planet and simply love the little 'tidbits'/breakers, like the peacock one. The three yawning lions are the best, though.
Yesterday, I twisted one of my desk lamps so that the light would fall on the wall, thus creating the dispersed 'hue' which I so love. Three small candles complemented the setup, creating indirect brighthness and atmosphere. I loved it. I played a few songs by a strange group known as Budka Suflera, including an old favourite about an old lonely household with its sudden eruption of colour and candlelight and violin and a white lady.
The refrain talks about daylight follows darkness, how tranquility follows a storm. Last night, I played the song simply because I remembered it while browsing old music, remembered that I had it on an old cassette. It didn't seem symbolic then, but perhaps it was.
April was not a good month. I was glad to turn the page of my precious penguin calendar and see the word May.
All the while, I've known what I need to do, but I was not doing it. It was not a happy odyssey. Perhaps it's because the calendar page has been turned, perhaps because it's my favourite month of the year, perhaps because spring is finally truly here, perhaps for some other reason -- but things seem to be looking up. I seem to be seeing little rays of "I want to."
Yesterday I got out of bed and didn't return, I didn't spend 45 minutes in the shower just so I didn't have to deal with the day, and actually felt that it would have been nice to go to work (had I not given the shift away).
Perhaps the past two, three weeks have been the way they have been for a reason. I don't yet know what the reason might have been, but I might just well be on my way to find out.
Earlier today, I did something truly cleansing. Unintentionally.
I will be moving soon, leaving behind a cozy apartment, the big tree in front of my bedroom window and the spacious deck out at the back. What on earth 'inspired' me to move out of a place with a deck right at the beginning of the 'deck enjoyment' season? I will be sailing through treacherous waters and the move might be a mistake, but maybe I will enjoy living there too.
I had not intended to deal with the packing and the boxes until the day before the actual move, but at some point today I found myself emptying the bookshelves and stacking boxes. Some I didn't have to pack, as they have been standing in the corners, untouched since I moved in last September (it's not only the deck that I didn't get to enjoy while living here).
What emerged took my breath away.
Space. Blessed space.
Can't describe it properly, I'm afraid. I despise clutter. Although it seems that sometimes, I need to let it grow, get a life of its own, just so I can enjoy a decluttering spree and once again learn just how much I despise it.
I will be pruning, letting go of a lot of things, cleansing and discarding over the next couple of months. I know it will feel good.
The past couple of weeks have been a lot of things, and one of them was a desperate quest. I fished out my guided meditation CD, mostly to help with sleep (which has been amazingly good recently - which I'm grateful for, though I'm not grateful for the reason why it's been good - which seems to have been avoidance...).
I didn't know that it was a part of the quest. The end of this particular journey seems to be the wish to (decision?) to turn meditation and mindfulness into the way, as opposed to the fix. It also entails discovering what colour I want the inside window frames to be in my dream house (one day, somewhere in time...) and discovering that no matter how appealing it might have seemed at first glance, I actually do not want to follow a certain philosopher's teachings. Nothing wrong with him or his teachings. I just realized that I don't want to follow anyone's teachings but my own.
A friend of mine had this line as her email signature: Everything happens for a reason, for everything there is a season. I am beginning to see the full meaning. It's for a reason that these words had been my own signature for the longest time:
I decided long ago never to live in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived how I believed
Lastly, I discovered a wonderful blog today. I am looking forward to the read. :)
in every peacock's life
when he must consider
the size of his tail,
for the bigger the tail...
These words have been with me constantly over the past few days, primarily because last Sunday, I unexpectedly saw an amazing display of the blue-green plumage in all its glory. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five Indian Peafowl's and just as many glorious fanned trains.
On a side note, I love Animal Planet and simply love the little 'tidbits'/breakers, like the peacock one. The three yawning lions are the best, though.
Yesterday, I twisted one of my desk lamps so that the light would fall on the wall, thus creating the dispersed 'hue' which I so love. Three small candles complemented the setup, creating indirect brighthness and atmosphere. I loved it. I played a few songs by a strange group known as Budka Suflera, including an old favourite about an old lonely household with its sudden eruption of colour and candlelight and violin and a white lady.
The refrain talks about daylight follows darkness, how tranquility follows a storm. Last night, I played the song simply because I remembered it while browsing old music, remembered that I had it on an old cassette. It didn't seem symbolic then, but perhaps it was.
April was not a good month. I was glad to turn the page of my precious penguin calendar and see the word May.
All the while, I've known what I need to do, but I was not doing it. It was not a happy odyssey. Perhaps it's because the calendar page has been turned, perhaps because it's my favourite month of the year, perhaps because spring is finally truly here, perhaps for some other reason -- but things seem to be looking up. I seem to be seeing little rays of "I want to."
Yesterday I got out of bed and didn't return, I didn't spend 45 minutes in the shower just so I didn't have to deal with the day, and actually felt that it would have been nice to go to work (had I not given the shift away).
Perhaps the past two, three weeks have been the way they have been for a reason. I don't yet know what the reason might have been, but I might just well be on my way to find out.
Earlier today, I did something truly cleansing. Unintentionally.
I will be moving soon, leaving behind a cozy apartment, the big tree in front of my bedroom window and the spacious deck out at the back. What on earth 'inspired' me to move out of a place with a deck right at the beginning of the 'deck enjoyment' season? I will be sailing through treacherous waters and the move might be a mistake, but maybe I will enjoy living there too.
I had not intended to deal with the packing and the boxes until the day before the actual move, but at some point today I found myself emptying the bookshelves and stacking boxes. Some I didn't have to pack, as they have been standing in the corners, untouched since I moved in last September (it's not only the deck that I didn't get to enjoy while living here).
What emerged took my breath away.
Space. Blessed space.
Can't describe it properly, I'm afraid. I despise clutter. Although it seems that sometimes, I need to let it grow, get a life of its own, just so I can enjoy a decluttering spree and once again learn just how much I despise it.
I will be pruning, letting go of a lot of things, cleansing and discarding over the next couple of months. I know it will feel good.
The past couple of weeks have been a lot of things, and one of them was a desperate quest. I fished out my guided meditation CD, mostly to help with sleep (which has been amazingly good recently - which I'm grateful for, though I'm not grateful for the reason why it's been good - which seems to have been avoidance...).
I didn't know that it was a part of the quest. The end of this particular journey seems to be the wish to (decision?) to turn meditation and mindfulness into the way, as opposed to the fix. It also entails discovering what colour I want the inside window frames to be in my dream house (one day, somewhere in time...) and discovering that no matter how appealing it might have seemed at first glance, I actually do not want to follow a certain philosopher's teachings. Nothing wrong with him or his teachings. I just realized that I don't want to follow anyone's teachings but my own.
A friend of mine had this line as her email signature: Everything happens for a reason, for everything there is a season. I am beginning to see the full meaning. It's for a reason that these words had been my own signature for the longest time:
I decided long ago never to live in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived how I believed
Lastly, I discovered a wonderful blog today. I am looking forward to the read. :)
Monday, April 30, 2007
10 of Swords: Ruin
This is significant.
The image is from a Tarot website which I sometimes click on... daily personalized Tarot readings. Most of the time, I take it with a grain of salt. But today, seeing the words "10 of Swords: Ruin", I immediately clicked opened a different page. Yes, I know ruin is pretty much around the corner... and matters seem even worse when Tarot tells you so, too.
But I went back, and read this:
'Are you being the Martyr? How long do you have to make yourself suffer? Your thoughts are killing you. Trust me, coming from a Gemini, this is a difficult one to see our own self-doing in. It's sometimes difficult to see the humor in this card because of it's apparent doom and extremity. This is a time to let go, let it go.'
And here are bits and pieces from the other interpretations:
--- This is the Sun in the Air sign Gemini, it is an extreme fear of ruin.This is too much energy (Sun) about two issues or areas of the querents life (Gemini) which leads to conflict and fear. This is the insane mind that is paralyzed beyond being paralyzed. It has killed the heart and all thats left is despair.
This damaging process has been going on for a long time and has finally reached the lowest point it can go. A negative state of mind has reworked doubt so much that farther development is not possible. The mind begins to consciously realize that things cant get any worse. Rock bottom has been hit. At this point the mind copes with a dire sense of mania (or even insanity) and a resignment to this fate. However, how could anything ever really be that bad? And this begins re-evaluation and a questioning of the reality of the situation.
--- Sun in Libra.Great illusion hold you back! This illusion is bring ruin into life.Mental thoughts that destroy.Being terrified of an illusion.Mental clarity will overcome this bardo state.
This speaks to me, oh it does.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
In the Land of Little Oomph
The oomph has been in short supply recently. I think I'm going to die soon... certainly feels like it. ;) I'm sure that long-term lack of sleep can be fatal. It's already killing my vitality.
The "Making It Eight" project (hours of sleep) hasn't exactly been working, predominantly because by the time I finally manage to fall asleep, there are too few hours left in the night. I have some sleeping pills from the doctor, which have done wonders in the past, but are having no effect presently. What astounds me is the fact that I can have several bad nights of sleep in a row, no matter how tired I am. It would make sense to crash early on the evening following a 3-hours-of-sleep-night, but no.
I am ready to sacrifice goats and cattle, burn incenses, offer the fruit of the earth, pour water and wine and do whatever else it takes to appease - and hopefully gain the goodwill - of the good of sleep. The trouble is, I don't know where to find the altar.
The above paragraph is with tongue in check, obviously. :) In all seriousness though, I am exhausted and getting desperate because this bad sleep business is severely eating into my productivity and efficiency. A while back I had thought that the bags under my eyes couldn't possibly get any bigger or darker. Guess how wrong I was.
Exercise has been crap, eating has been crap, and I don't even want to go anywhere near a scale. A good workout would do me good and might help with fixing this state of things, but I've been too low on energy. I will persist, however. I want my oomph back.
Overall, it's no wonder that everything has been rather bleak. My performance at work has been awful, to the extent that I decided to preempt my supervisor and head to her office before she called me in herself. Not that she practices 'performance management' on us, but I figured I'd better let her know what is going on. Lo and behold, she thought I've been burning the midnight oils over my essays and assignments. I wish, I wish, I wish. My performance in this area hasn't been any better than at work, and this has to change very soon because the deadlines will soon start strangling me.
My outlook and joy of life have not been faring any better, and I strongly believe that this area might hold the magic key to all others. I feel crap, and I look crap. Hard to feel otherwise when not getting enough sleep. On the other hand, if I feel crap 'in myself', I will not project anything else to the world. The 'in myself' crap-ness might be easier to remedy than the exhaustion. In that vein, I have resolved upon a return to an old technique of mine. Hopefully it will help me speed up the exit journey from the Land of Little Oomph. Stay tuned! :)
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Abundance and Crumbs
This post has been floating around my head for a few days now, and hopefully this moment is right to try to convey the thoughts. :) The inspiration comes from a recent post by Ange and a slightly older one by Brooke. It has to do with what I am doing, and what I am not doing.
Ange talked about the concept of 'abundance mentality.' It's about focusing on the wonderful, tasty, fresh and healthy foods which we can eat in plenty and which are good for us, as opposed to having a mindset of "can't have this, can't have that, can't have anything I like" and thinking only about the foods which we 'can't' have because our diet says so. Ange makes a very valid point in saying that such restrictions can be enough to turn one off a diet which is based on them, and that they lead to the feeling of limitation/deprivation.
I couldn't agree more! :)
Brooke talked about the concept of 'tasting every crumb.' That is, basically eating without distraction, focusing on what is on your plate rather than on the TV screen or on a magazine, being fully aware of, and tasting and savoring, every single bite. Making space and making time to focus just on eating, and eating to enjoy and to nourish our bodies, as opposed to eating just because food is there.
Once again, I couldn't agree more! :)
So what do you think I'm going to say now? That I love those two concepts and that I'm going to challenge myself to incorporate them into my life? Wrong! :)
As I said above, this is about what I am doing and what I am not doing.
I'm no stranger to various challenges involving cutting a given food product (or group) from my diet. I have done this for years, though the weight loss factor only made an appearance in this equation relatively recently.
Sweets tended to be my favourite choice, simply because it was an indulgence, not a staple, and thus something easy to exclude. Sometimes it was all sorts of sweets, sometimes it was all sweets but an item or two, sometimes it was just ice cream or one specific kind of pastry. I have gone without sweets - or ice cream, or chocolate, or anything else I picked - for months at a time. Sometimes I set specific time frames, like a number of weeks or months, sometimes more vague ones, like 'for the summer', and sometimes I set no time limits at all and just rode the wave for as long as I felt like it. There were no regrets, not feelings of deprivation. Just a sense of accomplishment and pride -yes, I was proud of my strong will! :)
I have tried to apply this to weight loss. Sometimes I was successful, but sometimes I wasn't. Overall, I do not consider my efforts to have been successful. Even if I decided to give up a certain kind of food for a set period of time and stuck with it, that feeling of accomplishment wasn't there, and often I would subconsciously 'make up' for the period of 'deprivation' later on. If I was being successful, I often couldn't shake away the feeling of 'deprivation' and frequently craved whatever it was that I was denying myself.
At the same time, I knew that I could do it, that I was strong enough and capable of giving up that food for an extended period of time without regrets. Not living up to that standard only increased my frustration with myself.
What was the difference?
Well, in the first instance I was giving things up just because, no strings attached. In the first instance, no matter how many times I'd tell myself that it was just like giving something up just so, it was simply impossible to get past the fact that in truth, there were big strings attached. The big strings known as expectations.
I would expect that if I restricted or gave up food group X, the number on the scale would go down, or the circumference of my hips would decrease, or that there would be some other reward. It was no longer just about feeling in control or proud of my determination.
After a while, I realized that I simply could not think along the lines of "Eating chocolate doesn't help with weight loss; therefore, if I don't eat chocolate, I should lose weight." That was equivalent to setting myself up for failure. If there was no reward on the scale (as would often be the case, since weight loss obviously isn't just about excluding chocolate)), I would feel cheated and deprived, and would crave chocolate even more.
However, there have been periods when the method worked - that is, I gave something up and persisted without the feeling of deprivation? It took me a while to figure this out, but eventually it clicked:
It was a decision. I would simply tell myself "I am not eating this." And it would become a fact. Once it was a fact, I would not go back on it.
The mindset and the way I phrased the decision were key. It couldn't be "I am not going to eat this or that" - because this could lead to delaying the day when I would actually stop eating it and start the 'not eating.' It could not be "I can't have this food" - that would lead to questioning why. The answer to the question would be always the same: because I want to lose weight. Well, what if I have been giving this food up for a while and haven't lost any weight, what's the point?
Yes, there is a point to all this. :) It has to do with Ange's thoughts about having a mentality of abundance. :)
Once I decided that a given food or food group was out, I did not go back on or question my decision. Instead, I embraced all the other things I could enjoy, focused on them, and enjoyed them to the fullest. I thought about what was abundant, not about what was off limits. I've been doing this for years, subconsciously. It has worked. I'm looking forward to continuing that. :)
'Tasting every crumb' is a whole different story though.
Even before Brooke wrote about this, I realized that it's been a very very long time since I've actually focused on the food on my plate and made it the centre point of a meal. I am blessed to have eating space and a table in the kitchen at my current apartment (in the past, there was either no spare table which could be used for this purpose, or not enough space). Yet I not eaten a single meal at that table since I moved in last September.
It's not that I do not care about what I'm eating or that I do not let myself enjoy it. I'm not trying to hide what I'm eating - even just from myself. There are two main reasons: learning and priorities. I eat at the computer table because it's convenient, because I can check my email, read blogs or catch up on other websites I follow. Eating this way saves time, and time is not something I have much of these days. The computer provides a cover up for the emptiness around me - there is noone to talk to, noone to share the meal with. But mostly, I simply do not feel that food is important enough to deserve my full attention. In other words, it's not a priority.
I grew up in an environment where food was only food, something to feel your stomach with and satisfy hunger. The taste, the appearance, the setting didn't matter. Sit down meals with everyone present happened once in a blue moon - usually at Christmas or Easter, and always at a relative's place. Everyone was always going their own ways, and my mother not only knew nothing about cooking, but also didn't care how anything tasted like. Anything was good food as long as it was some food.
Even when more or less everyone was at home, we'd often eat at different times and usually different things - you'd make something - anything - yourself and call it a meal. Early on, I developed a habit of having my meals at my study desk, and always with a book. Any family gatherings were torture. I could not read, I would be made to eat a lot more than I wanted (and had space for in my stomach) - and the food rarely was something I looked forward to. And I would be asked questions and would have to play the sweet nice girl, straight-A student and the pride of her parents. I hated it.
So yes, tasting every crumb is a concept very alien to me. Most of my life, the food was far from enticing, so there was no desire to go after the crumbs - or to really savour anything. One day - soon - I hope to have a home where I can experience that first hand. For now, what I really miss is a couple of chapters of a good book over dinner.
Reading while eating might not be the best - or the healthiest - for me. :) I am fully aware of that. :) But it's a lot better than scoffing food down in front of the computer. Usually I can't wait to finish eating and get rid of the plate, so that I can access the keyboard and type something up. I eat fast, too fast, and find myself surprised when the food is gone. Sometimes I still feel hungry, too. With a book, I'd take my time - because the longer it took me to finish the meal, the longer I could read. It was easy to tell when I was satisfied.
The two concepts put forth by Ange and Brooke helped me get a clearer perspective and see what I've written out above. As I said, it's about what I am doing (focusing on what's abundant) and what I'm not doing (tasting every crumb).
However, if you're expecting action on that second one, disappointment is forthcoming. There won't be any for a while yet. :) I will try to incorporate some dinner reading once uni finishes (at the moment I can't take the risk of getting so drawn into a book that I end up sacrificing school work, which is something I'm very prone to). But tasting the crumbs will have to wait. For now, I am satisfied with making this important discovery and realizing that this is something that I do want to have in my life, regularly. As soon as the time is right. :)
Ange talked about the concept of 'abundance mentality.' It's about focusing on the wonderful, tasty, fresh and healthy foods which we can eat in plenty and which are good for us, as opposed to having a mindset of "can't have this, can't have that, can't have anything I like" and thinking only about the foods which we 'can't' have because our diet says so. Ange makes a very valid point in saying that such restrictions can be enough to turn one off a diet which is based on them, and that they lead to the feeling of limitation/deprivation.
I couldn't agree more! :)
Brooke talked about the concept of 'tasting every crumb.' That is, basically eating without distraction, focusing on what is on your plate rather than on the TV screen or on a magazine, being fully aware of, and tasting and savoring, every single bite. Making space and making time to focus just on eating, and eating to enjoy and to nourish our bodies, as opposed to eating just because food is there.
Once again, I couldn't agree more! :)
So what do you think I'm going to say now? That I love those two concepts and that I'm going to challenge myself to incorporate them into my life? Wrong! :)
As I said above, this is about what I am doing and what I am not doing.
I'm no stranger to various challenges involving cutting a given food product (or group) from my diet. I have done this for years, though the weight loss factor only made an appearance in this equation relatively recently.
Sweets tended to be my favourite choice, simply because it was an indulgence, not a staple, and thus something easy to exclude. Sometimes it was all sorts of sweets, sometimes it was all sweets but an item or two, sometimes it was just ice cream or one specific kind of pastry. I have gone without sweets - or ice cream, or chocolate, or anything else I picked - for months at a time. Sometimes I set specific time frames, like a number of weeks or months, sometimes more vague ones, like 'for the summer', and sometimes I set no time limits at all and just rode the wave for as long as I felt like it. There were no regrets, not feelings of deprivation. Just a sense of accomplishment and pride -yes, I was proud of my strong will! :)
I have tried to apply this to weight loss. Sometimes I was successful, but sometimes I wasn't. Overall, I do not consider my efforts to have been successful. Even if I decided to give up a certain kind of food for a set period of time and stuck with it, that feeling of accomplishment wasn't there, and often I would subconsciously 'make up' for the period of 'deprivation' later on. If I was being successful, I often couldn't shake away the feeling of 'deprivation' and frequently craved whatever it was that I was denying myself.
At the same time, I knew that I could do it, that I was strong enough and capable of giving up that food for an extended period of time without regrets. Not living up to that standard only increased my frustration with myself.
What was the difference?
Well, in the first instance I was giving things up just because, no strings attached. In the first instance, no matter how many times I'd tell myself that it was just like giving something up just so, it was simply impossible to get past the fact that in truth, there were big strings attached. The big strings known as expectations.
I would expect that if I restricted or gave up food group X, the number on the scale would go down, or the circumference of my hips would decrease, or that there would be some other reward. It was no longer just about feeling in control or proud of my determination.
After a while, I realized that I simply could not think along the lines of "Eating chocolate doesn't help with weight loss; therefore, if I don't eat chocolate, I should lose weight." That was equivalent to setting myself up for failure. If there was no reward on the scale (as would often be the case, since weight loss obviously isn't just about excluding chocolate)), I would feel cheated and deprived, and would crave chocolate even more.
However, there have been periods when the method worked - that is, I gave something up and persisted without the feeling of deprivation? It took me a while to figure this out, but eventually it clicked:
It was a decision. I would simply tell myself "I am not eating this." And it would become a fact. Once it was a fact, I would not go back on it.
The mindset and the way I phrased the decision were key. It couldn't be "I am not going to eat this or that" - because this could lead to delaying the day when I would actually stop eating it and start the 'not eating.' It could not be "I can't have this food" - that would lead to questioning why. The answer to the question would be always the same: because I want to lose weight. Well, what if I have been giving this food up for a while and haven't lost any weight, what's the point?
Yes, there is a point to all this. :) It has to do with Ange's thoughts about having a mentality of abundance. :)
Once I decided that a given food or food group was out, I did not go back on or question my decision. Instead, I embraced all the other things I could enjoy, focused on them, and enjoyed them to the fullest. I thought about what was abundant, not about what was off limits. I've been doing this for years, subconsciously. It has worked. I'm looking forward to continuing that. :)
'Tasting every crumb' is a whole different story though.
Even before Brooke wrote about this, I realized that it's been a very very long time since I've actually focused on the food on my plate and made it the centre point of a meal. I am blessed to have eating space and a table in the kitchen at my current apartment (in the past, there was either no spare table which could be used for this purpose, or not enough space). Yet I not eaten a single meal at that table since I moved in last September.
It's not that I do not care about what I'm eating or that I do not let myself enjoy it. I'm not trying to hide what I'm eating - even just from myself. There are two main reasons: learning and priorities. I eat at the computer table because it's convenient, because I can check my email, read blogs or catch up on other websites I follow. Eating this way saves time, and time is not something I have much of these days. The computer provides a cover up for the emptiness around me - there is noone to talk to, noone to share the meal with. But mostly, I simply do not feel that food is important enough to deserve my full attention. In other words, it's not a priority.
I grew up in an environment where food was only food, something to feel your stomach with and satisfy hunger. The taste, the appearance, the setting didn't matter. Sit down meals with everyone present happened once in a blue moon - usually at Christmas or Easter, and always at a relative's place. Everyone was always going their own ways, and my mother not only knew nothing about cooking, but also didn't care how anything tasted like. Anything was good food as long as it was some food.
Even when more or less everyone was at home, we'd often eat at different times and usually different things - you'd make something - anything - yourself and call it a meal. Early on, I developed a habit of having my meals at my study desk, and always with a book. Any family gatherings were torture. I could not read, I would be made to eat a lot more than I wanted (and had space for in my stomach) - and the food rarely was something I looked forward to. And I would be asked questions and would have to play the sweet nice girl, straight-A student and the pride of her parents. I hated it.
So yes, tasting every crumb is a concept very alien to me. Most of my life, the food was far from enticing, so there was no desire to go after the crumbs - or to really savour anything. One day - soon - I hope to have a home where I can experience that first hand. For now, what I really miss is a couple of chapters of a good book over dinner.
Reading while eating might not be the best - or the healthiest - for me. :) I am fully aware of that. :) But it's a lot better than scoffing food down in front of the computer. Usually I can't wait to finish eating and get rid of the plate, so that I can access the keyboard and type something up. I eat fast, too fast, and find myself surprised when the food is gone. Sometimes I still feel hungry, too. With a book, I'd take my time - because the longer it took me to finish the meal, the longer I could read. It was easy to tell when I was satisfied.
The two concepts put forth by Ange and Brooke helped me get a clearer perspective and see what I've written out above. As I said, it's about what I am doing (focusing on what's abundant) and what I'm not doing (tasting every crumb).
However, if you're expecting action on that second one, disappointment is forthcoming. There won't be any for a while yet. :) I will try to incorporate some dinner reading once uni finishes (at the moment I can't take the risk of getting so drawn into a book that I end up sacrificing school work, which is something I'm very prone to). But tasting the crumbs will have to wait. For now, I am satisfied with making this important discovery and realizing that this is something that I do want to have in my life, regularly. As soon as the time is right. :)
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Make It Eight
(written on Friday, March 25th)
What a glorious day I've had!
My good days often follow a pattern - fairly good sleep, up bright and early, busy, but productive, fulfilling and very much according to plan (unless it's a day when I decide to have no plan). I usually feel best when accomplishing things, ticking things off various lists - both on paper and mentally/internally. Today was and wasn't like that.
My alarm went off around 6:30 am, early enough to take myself to the chiropractor and make it to work for 8:30 am. However, I felt too tired to get up, and spent a while longer in bed, hovering between sleep and awakeness (is that even a word?), with the alarm going off every few minutes (too tired to actually re-set it, which is something I would normally do in this situation). The knowledge that I could go to chiro later in the day meant less incentive to stop the snooze button fest.
So not exactly what would I call the beginning of a good day. Yet looking back, I am amazed at how little that actually affected me- I didn't actually remember about this 'failure' until now. Lots of things made me smile and feel good as the day progressed:
--- The train I took was nearly empty, which was totally unexpected and very fun (I got to sit down and read!); I also tried a different route, which involved a short bus ride and 4 train stops instead of a longer bus ride and 2 train stops - just for variety and because...
--- I got a coffee on my way to work (the actual reason for the route alteration was to have enough time to step into Second Cup!) and really really really enjoyed. That was another surprise, as I had thought that I'd actually need a coffee in order to stay awake. It became a treat instead.
--- Work was quite good. To be honest, I'm kind of bored with my job (library) and fed up with the place I work at, so sometimes it's hard to maintain a positive attitude. Today brought one of the good things which sometimes happen at my job - a schedule change which totally makes your day. From time to time, there are also schedule changes which totally mess up your day, obviously, but this time luck was with me. I got sent to a different location, and...
--- Walking there gave me a chance to notice how beautiful the day was - sunny, clear blue sky, quite warm. I also got to have very little to do for over an hour, and spent that time reading some blogs and emailing to my Sunshine. And I came up with something of a plan for the rest of the day: readings, groceries, pick up books, chiro, a bit of cleaning, workout, phone (not necessarily in that order)
--- I had not been able to take my break, so got to leave early instead. I left the library but stayed in the building to have lunch (cucumber and Havarti cheese sandwich, peach yoghurt, grapes - delish!). However, the greatest part was that I felt very comfortable in that spot and pulled the readings out of my bag even before I finished eating and...
--- Stayed seated on that bench for a while. Totally enjoyed the time spent on course work, aka readings. I'm starting to get some ideas for one of my essays and am looking forward to working on it (yay!). This was wonderful because recently I've often had to make myself do school work - and didn't always succeed in that.
--- In the end, I left because the area started getting noisy. I was reading a couple of chapters which had really drawn me in, which made it easy to drown out all the comings and goings and chats and mobile phone rings. I knew that the next reading wouldn't be as exciting, and didn't want to stay somewhere where all the distractions would make productivity next to impossible (for a history student, 'productivity' is very much about how many pages you get through in a given amount of time - and thus whether you have to go back to them later on because you don't remember anything). I had a vague idea of what needed to be taken care of during the afternoon, but not quite a plan so...
--- I just went with the flow and adjusted the pattern as I went. At the end of the day I had completed everything but one phone call (which was better saved for the next day anyway).
--- The weather was so beautiful! I picked up the books, then decided to head home, so that I could do my workout outside. I was a bit early for the bus, so I decided to walk ahead and catch it at one of the further stops. This led to a pleasant stroll through one of my favourite neighbourhoods, so lovely.
--- Pleasant surprises awaited at home: I pulled an important document out of the mailbox and found a FedEx notice on the doorknob. I had been waiting for the document rather anxiously and worried that it would not get here on time, so yay! And the FedEx note was for the delivery of something that I had ordered just a few days ago -- and didn't expect to receive until the end of the month. Add to that a post office notice (another super important document) which arrived the day before and you get my joy!
--- I changed into workout gear and headed outside. The workout was great, and I dropped by the post office on the way back. Having all these papers in my hand makes me feel so much more calm about everything!
--- Later on there was a delicious salad, using my standard recipe, but with the first ever addition of avocado (turned out very yummy!), another pleasant walk through a nice neighbourhood on my way to chiro and a visit to the grocery store. I finished the day with a face mask and a mini-clean in the bathroom, feeling happy, rested and fulfilled.
Why was this day so great?
Well, the beautiful weather and sunshine certainly made a mark, but I'm quite positive that the main reason was something else: For the first time in a couple of weeks, I had had enough sleep - both in terms of quality and quantity. And that made the world of difference to how I was feeling and how I approached the day.
Recently I've been sleeping really badly, and it has greatly affected not just my productivity, but also my mood. My sleep pattern was something like 5-7-12-6-5.5-11-6 hours. No wonder I couldn't quite function... Today was a wonderful change after having been feeling tired, irritable and frustrated for so long.
This is not the first time that I will be making this promise to myself. But I really want to make sleep more of a priority. Make it eight. Get those eight hours each night. It will be a crusade, but I will persist!
The timing is very bad for making this kind of decision - the end of the semester is around the corner, and I have lots and lots of essay writing to do. I know that within a couple of weeks, I will feel that sleep is a waste of time. But I also know how beneficial it will be to get enough sleep. Wish me luck! :)
What a glorious day I've had!
My good days often follow a pattern - fairly good sleep, up bright and early, busy, but productive, fulfilling and very much according to plan (unless it's a day when I decide to have no plan). I usually feel best when accomplishing things, ticking things off various lists - both on paper and mentally/internally. Today was and wasn't like that.
My alarm went off around 6:30 am, early enough to take myself to the chiropractor and make it to work for 8:30 am. However, I felt too tired to get up, and spent a while longer in bed, hovering between sleep and awakeness (is that even a word?), with the alarm going off every few minutes (too tired to actually re-set it, which is something I would normally do in this situation). The knowledge that I could go to chiro later in the day meant less incentive to stop the snooze button fest.
So not exactly what would I call the beginning of a good day. Yet looking back, I am amazed at how little that actually affected me- I didn't actually remember about this 'failure' until now. Lots of things made me smile and feel good as the day progressed:
--- The train I took was nearly empty, which was totally unexpected and very fun (I got to sit down and read!); I also tried a different route, which involved a short bus ride and 4 train stops instead of a longer bus ride and 2 train stops - just for variety and because...
--- I got a coffee on my way to work (the actual reason for the route alteration was to have enough time to step into Second Cup!) and really really really enjoyed. That was another surprise, as I had thought that I'd actually need a coffee in order to stay awake. It became a treat instead.
--- Work was quite good. To be honest, I'm kind of bored with my job (library) and fed up with the place I work at, so sometimes it's hard to maintain a positive attitude. Today brought one of the good things which sometimes happen at my job - a schedule change which totally makes your day. From time to time, there are also schedule changes which totally mess up your day, obviously, but this time luck was with me. I got sent to a different location, and...
--- Walking there gave me a chance to notice how beautiful the day was - sunny, clear blue sky, quite warm. I also got to have very little to do for over an hour, and spent that time reading some blogs and emailing to my Sunshine. And I came up with something of a plan for the rest of the day: readings, groceries, pick up books, chiro, a bit of cleaning, workout, phone (not necessarily in that order)
--- I had not been able to take my break, so got to leave early instead. I left the library but stayed in the building to have lunch (cucumber and Havarti cheese sandwich, peach yoghurt, grapes - delish!). However, the greatest part was that I felt very comfortable in that spot and pulled the readings out of my bag even before I finished eating and...
--- Stayed seated on that bench for a while. Totally enjoyed the time spent on course work, aka readings. I'm starting to get some ideas for one of my essays and am looking forward to working on it (yay!). This was wonderful because recently I've often had to make myself do school work - and didn't always succeed in that.
--- In the end, I left because the area started getting noisy. I was reading a couple of chapters which had really drawn me in, which made it easy to drown out all the comings and goings and chats and mobile phone rings. I knew that the next reading wouldn't be as exciting, and didn't want to stay somewhere where all the distractions would make productivity next to impossible (for a history student, 'productivity' is very much about how many pages you get through in a given amount of time - and thus whether you have to go back to them later on because you don't remember anything). I had a vague idea of what needed to be taken care of during the afternoon, but not quite a plan so...
--- I just went with the flow and adjusted the pattern as I went. At the end of the day I had completed everything but one phone call (which was better saved for the next day anyway).
--- The weather was so beautiful! I picked up the books, then decided to head home, so that I could do my workout outside. I was a bit early for the bus, so I decided to walk ahead and catch it at one of the further stops. This led to a pleasant stroll through one of my favourite neighbourhoods, so lovely.
--- Pleasant surprises awaited at home: I pulled an important document out of the mailbox and found a FedEx notice on the doorknob. I had been waiting for the document rather anxiously and worried that it would not get here on time, so yay! And the FedEx note was for the delivery of something that I had ordered just a few days ago -- and didn't expect to receive until the end of the month. Add to that a post office notice (another super important document) which arrived the day before and you get my joy!
--- I changed into workout gear and headed outside. The workout was great, and I dropped by the post office on the way back. Having all these papers in my hand makes me feel so much more calm about everything!
--- Later on there was a delicious salad, using my standard recipe, but with the first ever addition of avocado (turned out very yummy!), another pleasant walk through a nice neighbourhood on my way to chiro and a visit to the grocery store. I finished the day with a face mask and a mini-clean in the bathroom, feeling happy, rested and fulfilled.
Why was this day so great?
Well, the beautiful weather and sunshine certainly made a mark, but I'm quite positive that the main reason was something else: For the first time in a couple of weeks, I had had enough sleep - both in terms of quality and quantity. And that made the world of difference to how I was feeling and how I approached the day.
Recently I've been sleeping really badly, and it has greatly affected not just my productivity, but also my mood. My sleep pattern was something like 5-7-12-6-5.5-11-6 hours. No wonder I couldn't quite function... Today was a wonderful change after having been feeling tired, irritable and frustrated for so long.
This is not the first time that I will be making this promise to myself. But I really want to make sleep more of a priority. Make it eight. Get those eight hours each night. It will be a crusade, but I will persist!
The timing is very bad for making this kind of decision - the end of the semester is around the corner, and I have lots and lots of essay writing to do. I know that within a couple of weeks, I will feel that sleep is a waste of time. But I also know how beneficial it will be to get enough sleep. Wish me luck! :)
Saturday, March 17, 2007
"I gain weight when I'm stressed"
Hmmm. Can't deny this phrase has been on my mind over the past week or two. What has been happening? The usual March stuff, when uni goes crazy because the last fourth of the academic year is starting, and when your system goes crazy because of it's that time of the year when nature can't make her mind up as to what season it is.
March break cut out my trampoline and half of my skating classes, and that combined with a few strikes of bad luck - such as forgotten runners or my coach forgetting to take my skates out of her boot - to result in a considerable cut in my active time. There has been not enough sleep and random eating.
Before all this, the scale kept flashing lower and lower numbers each time I checked. I bounced up and down and all around the locker room, and it felt so good. :) Having no scale, I can only weigh myself at the gym, but I didn't need a weigh-in to know that the wonderful downward trend has been interrupted, and even partially reversed since that last check. I could tell just by looking at the area surrounding my belly button! ;)
It's a bit weird to have an instance of 'one of those' thoughts crossing your mind while waiting for the pedestrian crossing light to change. But that's what happened to me a few days ago. And here is what I think - any time, any place, any moment is great for a moment like that - as long as you do something with it!
Here is the tale. :) At some point in life, I got 'hooked' at the idea that I'm one of those people who react to stress by gaining weight. I'm saying 'hooked' because it was an idea which simply adopted when I came across it, made it apply to myself without really thinking about it, and never questioned it. The nature of the environment I grew up in provided a perfect reinforcement. I accepted the notion that I gain weight when stressed, and with that came the longing to be the opposite - to be one of those 'chosen' people who get lose, not gain.
The thought which hit me while waiting for that light to change was a very simple one. So simple that I can't believe that I've never thought about it before and never questioned the notion of weight gain being a given result of stress. The idea isn't revolutionary. Unless you call the idea - the fact, actually - that you are what you eat a revolutionary discovery. Or the fact that the extra centimetres and pounds come from the food you eat, not from a bad weight gain fairy who has it in for you. So what was the idea?
It's not the stress that makes you gain weight.
It's what you do when stressed. Especially what, how much, and how you eat.
That was a revelation, a moment of enlightenment. I knew that the eating patterns in which I had engaged over the preceding (and following...) days were not healthy. I knew where the undesired changed around my belly button area came from. I knew why I was eating the way I did.*
It's common knowledge that exercise is the first thing to go when we're busy and stressed, and that the unraveling of our usual healthy eating patters is not far to follow. There is no time to go to the gym, there is no time to prepare a meal, it's easier to relax on the couch and grab take out. Or so we say - and probably think. It's all about what's easy - and fast.
It wasn't hard to see where my recent patterns were going to lead, and why.
It also wasn't hard to realize that the notion of automatically gaining weight when stressed doesn't quite apply to me. Truth be told, stress and I are very close acquaintances. :P It has to do with how I handle things, but honestly, I'd be two if not three times my current size if my body really did go into a "let's add weight" mode whenever life got hectic. That's what most of my stress comes down to - hectic times and guilt for having procrastinated earlier and now not having stuff under control.
When I look back at my life, the times when I really was under a lot of stress were also times when I didn't eat - that was the way in which the stress affected me. I can remember several instances when I would not eat for several days - or eat very little, and also go on very little sleep. My system needed neither food nor sleep - the stress was too intense to process either. I'm not saying that it was healthy, just that this is what would happen (not frequently).
Did I gain weight during such periods? Quite the contrary. Do I gain weight because I'm stressed out? Not at all. Do I gain weight when stressed out? I might, but not because of the stress. Will I gain weight when skipping gym and getting pizza delivered because I feel I'm stressed and under pressure? Hell yes!
Do I need to say where the 'undesired changes in the belly button area' came from* ;)
So a bit of a setback in this neck of the woods, at least on the scale. Yet I'm not worried and have not given up - quite the contrary, I know I have the power to change things, and I know I will. :) Things are different this time around. I'm not letting myself think "I'll get back to it when this essay is done" or "Just need to study for this test, and then I'm back to the gym." None of that. I know I'll keep at it. And the key here isn't weight loss, or even fitness. It's about how great it makes me feel. :D
I'm still having the best time of my life at the gym and scored a big victory there earlier today: the bus arrived at my bus stop 4 minutes behind schedule, and I had needed exactly those 4 minutes not to be late to my favourite kick-ass fitness class. In the past, I'd have given up and not gone. Apart from being late, which I absolutely hate, the knowledge that I'd have to be in the front row would have kept me away.
Well, I did end up in the front row and - gasp - the instructor used me to count down the reps on several exercises, always picking the exact moment when I was about to take a mini break because it felt like my muscles were about to burst. But I survived and realized that I didn't mind being in the front of the class at all. It actually made following the instruction a lot easier, without the sight of all the legs and arms there to confuse me. ;)
The class it's a dream - an awesome instructor whose exercises literally kick butt so much that you can still feel it two days later; hard work, but what fun! The fun was a major reason why I did attend despite being late. But I realize that my own attitude and approach is what makes it so much fun. :)
And yes, I'm definitely taking action on the 'one of those thoughts' at-the-traffic-lights-moment. :)
*By saying "eating the way I did" I do not mean take out or McD -- just too much of my usual foods, too little thought, too much of grabbing food just because it was there, too much of 'grab and go', and too much chocolate indulgence. There was only one pizza delivery incident, but that was more because I did feel like pizza and had felt like it for quite a while. That craving has been satisfied and I know it will be months before it comes again, if at all.
March break cut out my trampoline and half of my skating classes, and that combined with a few strikes of bad luck - such as forgotten runners or my coach forgetting to take my skates out of her boot - to result in a considerable cut in my active time. There has been not enough sleep and random eating.
Before all this, the scale kept flashing lower and lower numbers each time I checked. I bounced up and down and all around the locker room, and it felt so good. :) Having no scale, I can only weigh myself at the gym, but I didn't need a weigh-in to know that the wonderful downward trend has been interrupted, and even partially reversed since that last check. I could tell just by looking at the area surrounding my belly button! ;)
It's a bit weird to have an instance of 'one of those' thoughts crossing your mind while waiting for the pedestrian crossing light to change. But that's what happened to me a few days ago. And here is what I think - any time, any place, any moment is great for a moment like that - as long as you do something with it!
Here is the tale. :) At some point in life, I got 'hooked' at the idea that I'm one of those people who react to stress by gaining weight. I'm saying 'hooked' because it was an idea which simply adopted when I came across it, made it apply to myself without really thinking about it, and never questioned it. The nature of the environment I grew up in provided a perfect reinforcement. I accepted the notion that I gain weight when stressed, and with that came the longing to be the opposite - to be one of those 'chosen' people who get lose, not gain.
The thought which hit me while waiting for that light to change was a very simple one. So simple that I can't believe that I've never thought about it before and never questioned the notion of weight gain being a given result of stress. The idea isn't revolutionary. Unless you call the idea - the fact, actually - that you are what you eat a revolutionary discovery. Or the fact that the extra centimetres and pounds come from the food you eat, not from a bad weight gain fairy who has it in for you. So what was the idea?
It's not the stress that makes you gain weight.
It's what you do when stressed. Especially what, how much, and how you eat.
That was a revelation, a moment of enlightenment. I knew that the eating patterns in which I had engaged over the preceding (and following...) days were not healthy. I knew where the undesired changed around my belly button area came from. I knew why I was eating the way I did.*
It's common knowledge that exercise is the first thing to go when we're busy and stressed, and that the unraveling of our usual healthy eating patters is not far to follow. There is no time to go to the gym, there is no time to prepare a meal, it's easier to relax on the couch and grab take out. Or so we say - and probably think. It's all about what's easy - and fast.
It wasn't hard to see where my recent patterns were going to lead, and why.
It also wasn't hard to realize that the notion of automatically gaining weight when stressed doesn't quite apply to me. Truth be told, stress and I are very close acquaintances. :P It has to do with how I handle things, but honestly, I'd be two if not three times my current size if my body really did go into a "let's add weight" mode whenever life got hectic. That's what most of my stress comes down to - hectic times and guilt for having procrastinated earlier and now not having stuff under control.
When I look back at my life, the times when I really was under a lot of stress were also times when I didn't eat - that was the way in which the stress affected me. I can remember several instances when I would not eat for several days - or eat very little, and also go on very little sleep. My system needed neither food nor sleep - the stress was too intense to process either. I'm not saying that it was healthy, just that this is what would happen (not frequently).
Did I gain weight during such periods? Quite the contrary. Do I gain weight because I'm stressed out? Not at all. Do I gain weight when stressed out? I might, but not because of the stress. Will I gain weight when skipping gym and getting pizza delivered because I feel I'm stressed and under pressure? Hell yes!
Do I need to say where the 'undesired changes in the belly button area' came from* ;)
So a bit of a setback in this neck of the woods, at least on the scale. Yet I'm not worried and have not given up - quite the contrary, I know I have the power to change things, and I know I will. :) Things are different this time around. I'm not letting myself think "I'll get back to it when this essay is done" or "Just need to study for this test, and then I'm back to the gym." None of that. I know I'll keep at it. And the key here isn't weight loss, or even fitness. It's about how great it makes me feel. :D
I'm still having the best time of my life at the gym and scored a big victory there earlier today: the bus arrived at my bus stop 4 minutes behind schedule, and I had needed exactly those 4 minutes not to be late to my favourite kick-ass fitness class. In the past, I'd have given up and not gone. Apart from being late, which I absolutely hate, the knowledge that I'd have to be in the front row would have kept me away.
Well, I did end up in the front row and - gasp - the instructor used me to count down the reps on several exercises, always picking the exact moment when I was about to take a mini break because it felt like my muscles were about to burst. But I survived and realized that I didn't mind being in the front of the class at all. It actually made following the instruction a lot easier, without the sight of all the legs and arms there to confuse me. ;)
The class it's a dream - an awesome instructor whose exercises literally kick butt so much that you can still feel it two days later; hard work, but what fun! The fun was a major reason why I did attend despite being late. But I realize that my own attitude and approach is what makes it so much fun. :)
And yes, I'm definitely taking action on the 'one of those thoughts' at-the-traffic-lights-moment. :)
*By saying "eating the way I did" I do not mean take out or McD -- just too much of my usual foods, too little thought, too much of grabbing food just because it was there, too much of 'grab and go', and too much chocolate indulgence. There was only one pizza delivery incident, but that was more because I did feel like pizza and had felt like it for quite a while. That craving has been satisfied and I know it will be months before it comes again, if at all.
Monday, March 12, 2007
The Nth Coming of a Gym Bunny?
I've been having an absolute blast at the gym over the past few weeks. Loving every single second of each minute that I put in, loving the feeling of accomplishment afterwards and having all the fun in the world. Who would have thought?
I'm no stranger to "I'll start going to the gym regularly next week/ next month/ after exams." I'm no stranger to getting all revved up, working out like a maniac for one, two, maybe three weeks and then never wandering anywhere near the gym for months, until a new "This time I'll stick with it" phase hit. Even early this year I was ready to make gym-going resolutions. I didn't though, and my recent gym going has little to do with 'resolving' to incorporate regular exercise into my life.
After a few half-hearted visits to the campus gym in September and early October (only Aquafit classes, as far as I can remember), the place had not been graced with my presence until mid-February. I spent all those months feeling guilty and discouraged. Thankfully there was no associated bank account depletion, since my gym membership is covered by university tuition.
Still, I alternated between feeling guilt about not having made myself visit the gym, and guilt for having wasted precious money on locker rental and towel service (that was at times when I was sure I'd never make use of either again). There was a lot of "I just don't have the time" or "I just can't make the time next week or the week after, look at all this stuff I'm already behind on everything" and "I don't want to, don't feel like it and hate the gym anyway."
I wasn't completely inactive - there were trampoline classes, skating, occasional yoga and a few runs. And I was walking to campus and back, 40 minutes one way, pretty much every single day of the week. Yoga and runs were too infrequent to really count as a fitness effort. And I've never considered any of the other activities to be 'hardcore' exercise. Trampoline was my new fun activity, and it wasn't exactly a workout because bouncing time was rather limited due to class size. Skating has always been about fun, and fun only - even though some days I am drenched with sweat afterwards. Walking is no deal for me - it's something I love and have been doing all my life. I'd probably have to power-walk 20 kms on daily basis for it to have any fitness benefits.
The current adventure started with a fitness class. I don't remember what my reasoning was, why I decided to go to the gym that particular day and why I was adamant about sticking with it, or even why I opted for that particular class. I just went.
Perhaps I was thinking that a class might be a better way to ease back into exercise. There is variety, there is action, it's about following the instructor. And once you're there, you've got to stay - it's not possible to press the 'stop' button and leave, or certainly not without attracting attention to oneself. I also knew that the instructor was a good one.
I still can't believe how much fun I had and what pleasure it was (despite a very very awkward moment early on). It was hard work, can't deny that, and my legs were about to give out on one of the jumping lounges sets. But I persisted, and with a huge grin on my face at that.
Fitness classes were never my forte. I always struggled with keeping up, with keeping the rhythm and was always one move behind and doing the right leg when everyone else was doing the left. I used to think that my 'newness' was the reason and that I'd improve with time. Didn't really happen. I did stop feeling so self-conscious about my mistakes, but I still avoid being in the front of the class.
However, this particular class was a breeze. I did mess up, not once, but only slightly. And I was able to catch up in no time and not to make the same mistake again. It felt good. Next day I was sore, and felt even better knowing that I had worked hard and that my body knew and appreciated it.
I've been going back regularly, to this class and to the gym itself. A bit of running, a bit of this and that. I haven't missed any of the killer classes since my first visit, and I know that I'll miss it in two week's time, when I'm planning to head out of the city for the whole day. I wish that could happen on a different day of the week so that I could go to my fitness class.
Is that addiction? It might be. I'd like to do more. Heck, I'd go to the gym twice a day! The day when I left my runners at home and thus couldn't go to a step class or do any other exercise was not a happy one. :P But I recognize that I've got to be realistic with myself and remember my other priorities. I'll stick with what I'm doing, focus on enjoying it and not losing my positive attitude, and I'll do more when it's possible.
In a way, all this feels like a rebirth, or a new coming of my gym bunny alter ego. The difference is that this time I'm not making myself do anything. I do not wake up thinking "oh yes, gym, yes, have got to go, promised myself." I want to go. I want to work out. I want to feel soreness the next day.
All this makes me think that this isn't just a new sequel in the series of a limited number of gym-based episodes which end suddenly and unexpectedly and get forgotten until the new sequel makes the top of the priority chart a long while later. I don't want to jinx myself (or feel like a fraud if this does turn out to be a new sequel in the series). But I feel that I am having too much fun for that to happen. So what changed?
One day in January I was very early for my trampoline class, and decided to kill time by having a relaxed lunch. My spot of choice would have been one of the couches overlooking the pool gallery, except none were free. Undaunted, I pushed the heavy door leading to the actual gallery and found a spot on the long wooden bench. Below me was an Olympic-sized swimming pool, and about a dozen people of various ages were enjoying lane swimming.
I watched them casually while enjoying my sandwich, a small yoghurt and a very juicy orange. It was still too early for trampoline when I was done eating, so I stayed on. The fragrance of the orange hung in the air for a bit, and was gradually taken over by the typical swimming pool smell of sanitized wetness. I remember watching the swimmers and the sparking water and thinking, I miss this.
That didn't take me to the gym. I did want to go swimming or to Aquafit, but first I had to find a solution to my swim-wear problem. The destruction of my swimsuit seems to have been an unwanted side-effect of my pool visits back in October. I'm guessing that the chlorine combined with the subsequent lack of use and a slight decrease in my size changed my Speedo into a shapeless, stretched, ugly something with bits of rubber (lycra?) all over and stiff strings-once-shoulder-straps.
I don't think I could swim without my entire chest area being on display, which is not something I'm keen on.:-S This problem has not been rectified yet, partly because I don't have the funds for a new swimsuit, and partly because I'm loath to purchase a new one only to have it destroyed in a similar way within a few months. So realizing that I miss the pool didn't exactly translate into embracing the wish for a swim.
Not long after that pool gallery lunch, I was attending a two-day self-defence workshop. I had expected it to be just skills, but we also had a lot of discussion and the whole experience turned out to be much less of a workout than I had expected. However, we did get to practice different blows and kicks and blocks, and did get quite physical while practicing the said moves on rolled up mats - and trying hard to make them fly. I remember feeling slightly puffed after delivering a series of blows, and the feeling of victory when the mat did fly. And I remember thinking, This feels good. I want to feel like this more often. I really miss it.
Guess where I headed the following weekend? :)
I'm no stranger to "I'll start going to the gym regularly next week/ next month/ after exams." I'm no stranger to getting all revved up, working out like a maniac for one, two, maybe three weeks and then never wandering anywhere near the gym for months, until a new "This time I'll stick with it" phase hit. Even early this year I was ready to make gym-going resolutions. I didn't though, and my recent gym going has little to do with 'resolving' to incorporate regular exercise into my life.
After a few half-hearted visits to the campus gym in September and early October (only Aquafit classes, as far as I can remember), the place had not been graced with my presence until mid-February. I spent all those months feeling guilty and discouraged. Thankfully there was no associated bank account depletion, since my gym membership is covered by university tuition.
Still, I alternated between feeling guilt about not having made myself visit the gym, and guilt for having wasted precious money on locker rental and towel service (that was at times when I was sure I'd never make use of either again). There was a lot of "I just don't have the time" or "I just can't make the time next week or the week after, look at all this stuff I'm already behind on everything" and "I don't want to, don't feel like it and hate the gym anyway."
I wasn't completely inactive - there were trampoline classes, skating, occasional yoga and a few runs. And I was walking to campus and back, 40 minutes one way, pretty much every single day of the week. Yoga and runs were too infrequent to really count as a fitness effort. And I've never considered any of the other activities to be 'hardcore' exercise. Trampoline was my new fun activity, and it wasn't exactly a workout because bouncing time was rather limited due to class size. Skating has always been about fun, and fun only - even though some days I am drenched with sweat afterwards. Walking is no deal for me - it's something I love and have been doing all my life. I'd probably have to power-walk 20 kms on daily basis for it to have any fitness benefits.
The current adventure started with a fitness class. I don't remember what my reasoning was, why I decided to go to the gym that particular day and why I was adamant about sticking with it, or even why I opted for that particular class. I just went.
Perhaps I was thinking that a class might be a better way to ease back into exercise. There is variety, there is action, it's about following the instructor. And once you're there, you've got to stay - it's not possible to press the 'stop' button and leave, or certainly not without attracting attention to oneself. I also knew that the instructor was a good one.
I still can't believe how much fun I had and what pleasure it was (despite a very very awkward moment early on). It was hard work, can't deny that, and my legs were about to give out on one of the jumping lounges sets. But I persisted, and with a huge grin on my face at that.
Fitness classes were never my forte. I always struggled with keeping up, with keeping the rhythm and was always one move behind and doing the right leg when everyone else was doing the left. I used to think that my 'newness' was the reason and that I'd improve with time. Didn't really happen. I did stop feeling so self-conscious about my mistakes, but I still avoid being in the front of the class.
However, this particular class was a breeze. I did mess up, not once, but only slightly. And I was able to catch up in no time and not to make the same mistake again. It felt good. Next day I was sore, and felt even better knowing that I had worked hard and that my body knew and appreciated it.
I've been going back regularly, to this class and to the gym itself. A bit of running, a bit of this and that. I haven't missed any of the killer classes since my first visit, and I know that I'll miss it in two week's time, when I'm planning to head out of the city for the whole day. I wish that could happen on a different day of the week so that I could go to my fitness class.
Is that addiction? It might be. I'd like to do more. Heck, I'd go to the gym twice a day! The day when I left my runners at home and thus couldn't go to a step class or do any other exercise was not a happy one. :P But I recognize that I've got to be realistic with myself and remember my other priorities. I'll stick with what I'm doing, focus on enjoying it and not losing my positive attitude, and I'll do more when it's possible.
In a way, all this feels like a rebirth, or a new coming of my gym bunny alter ego. The difference is that this time I'm not making myself do anything. I do not wake up thinking "oh yes, gym, yes, have got to go, promised myself." I want to go. I want to work out. I want to feel soreness the next day.
All this makes me think that this isn't just a new sequel in the series of a limited number of gym-based episodes which end suddenly and unexpectedly and get forgotten until the new sequel makes the top of the priority chart a long while later. I don't want to jinx myself (or feel like a fraud if this does turn out to be a new sequel in the series). But I feel that I am having too much fun for that to happen. So what changed?
One day in January I was very early for my trampoline class, and decided to kill time by having a relaxed lunch. My spot of choice would have been one of the couches overlooking the pool gallery, except none were free. Undaunted, I pushed the heavy door leading to the actual gallery and found a spot on the long wooden bench. Below me was an Olympic-sized swimming pool, and about a dozen people of various ages were enjoying lane swimming.
I watched them casually while enjoying my sandwich, a small yoghurt and a very juicy orange. It was still too early for trampoline when I was done eating, so I stayed on. The fragrance of the orange hung in the air for a bit, and was gradually taken over by the typical swimming pool smell of sanitized wetness. I remember watching the swimmers and the sparking water and thinking, I miss this.
That didn't take me to the gym. I did want to go swimming or to Aquafit, but first I had to find a solution to my swim-wear problem. The destruction of my swimsuit seems to have been an unwanted side-effect of my pool visits back in October. I'm guessing that the chlorine combined with the subsequent lack of use and a slight decrease in my size changed my Speedo into a shapeless, stretched, ugly something with bits of rubber (lycra?) all over and stiff strings-once-shoulder-straps.
I don't think I could swim without my entire chest area being on display, which is not something I'm keen on.:-S This problem has not been rectified yet, partly because I don't have the funds for a new swimsuit, and partly because I'm loath to purchase a new one only to have it destroyed in a similar way within a few months. So realizing that I miss the pool didn't exactly translate into embracing the wish for a swim.
Not long after that pool gallery lunch, I was attending a two-day self-defence workshop. I had expected it to be just skills, but we also had a lot of discussion and the whole experience turned out to be much less of a workout than I had expected. However, we did get to practice different blows and kicks and blocks, and did get quite physical while practicing the said moves on rolled up mats - and trying hard to make them fly. I remember feeling slightly puffed after delivering a series of blows, and the feeling of victory when the mat did fly. And I remember thinking, This feels good. I want to feel like this more often. I really miss it.
Guess where I headed the following weekend? :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
On the Path of Life
I've been thinking about this blog on and off all week long. Trying to decipher what I want from it, trying to make up my mind regarding which part of my life to share and which to keep to myself. No conclusions so far, so I think I'll just take things as they come. Let this be a life blog.
The big fact about me is that I am very reluctant to have one thing, one activity, one point of focus, basically one of anything take over my life and define me. I am also very reluctant to place myself in boxes, and to have that placing determine me and my life. That's why I try to avoid saying things such as "all my life, I have had a problem with X" or "I suffer from Y." This is where the dificulty with writing a proper introduction might be stemming from. After all, an intro requires us to state such things.
At this point, I'm seeing my life as a journey of discovery. I also feel that I'm finally on the rebound from the up-and-down of the past 2-3 years, that I am once again becoming the me that I once was and knew. The me I was happy with. Each day, I realize and notice new things - about myself, about my outlook, about my attitude and approach.
Just a few months ago, I was feeling lost and miserable, and struggled with believing that "things would sort themselves out." Today, I am still on the search for the right answer and the solution The big difference is that I am enjoying the journey and willing to take my time with it. And I feel that I'm on the right path. I am looking forward to where the road of life will take me, and I will work hard to become a better and healthier person along the way.
The big fact about me is that I am very reluctant to have one thing, one activity, one point of focus, basically one of anything take over my life and define me. I am also very reluctant to place myself in boxes, and to have that placing determine me and my life. That's why I try to avoid saying things such as "all my life, I have had a problem with X" or "I suffer from Y." This is where the dificulty with writing a proper introduction might be stemming from. After all, an intro requires us to state such things.
At this point, I'm seeing my life as a journey of discovery. I also feel that I'm finally on the rebound from the up-and-down of the past 2-3 years, that I am once again becoming the me that I once was and knew. The me I was happy with. Each day, I realize and notice new things - about myself, about my outlook, about my attitude and approach.
Just a few months ago, I was feeling lost and miserable, and struggled with believing that "things would sort themselves out." Today, I am still on the search for the right answer and the solution The big difference is that I am enjoying the journey and willing to take my time with it. And I feel that I'm on the right path. I am looking forward to where the road of life will take me, and I will work hard to become a better and healthier person along the way.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
My Name Isn't Emily
It's time for a proper introduction, I think. Yet no matter the resolve, I'm still finding myself unable to convey the thoughts, feelings... Some of the difficulty comes from confusion, some from fear. I'm afraid that giving up anonymity and sharing certain thoughts on a blog which nearly anyone could read is equivalent to giving up the invisible shield which protects me from people and from the world. Moreover, I'm finding it difficult to determine who I am and why I decided to actually start this blog after pondering it for over three months.
So who am I, and why this blog?
My name isn't Emily, yet like her, I am a chaser of rainbows. I chase those fleeting beauties, but never let one dominate the journey itself. Sometimes I resume interrupted quests, sometimes I forsake the ongoing ones in favour of a new spectre on the horizon, no matter how faint. It's all about the promise of a different - and hopefully better - tomorrow. A better me.
The journey is not a straightforward one, and there are many bends and hills along the road. I am writing this, so that the memory of them, and of the journey itself, do not go forgotten once I reach its end.
So who am I, and why this blog?
My name isn't Emily, yet like her, I am a chaser of rainbows. I chase those fleeting beauties, but never let one dominate the journey itself. Sometimes I resume interrupted quests, sometimes I forsake the ongoing ones in favour of a new spectre on the horizon, no matter how faint. It's all about the promise of a different - and hopefully better - tomorrow. A better me.
The journey is not a straightforward one, and there are many bends and hills along the road. I am writing this, so that the memory of them, and of the journey itself, do not go forgotten once I reach its end.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
A Meme For A Good Beginning
Hello world! :) I've been toying with the idea of starting this blog for three or four months now, and now that I have resolved to actually do it, I'm finding it difficult to write up all the stuff which has been swirling in my head. Maybe I just need to get the first post over with? :) I'm going to try with a me-me, which I got from Phil's blog back in November.
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Don't have a missed call list...
6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Don't have that either... My Australian cell phone doesn't work here. And even when I was still using it, I just went with one of the generic ones which were already on the phone.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
A lovely fluffy-ish woolen sweater, which I got in Winners a few years back. It's warm and feels great on my skin, and it's one of those tops of mine which I don't wear often - because I like them so much and want them to last forever!
8. Do you "label" yourself?
Probably. Well, certainly.
9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing?
No brand... got them from a very small shop in Europe. Black casual boots with zippers on the side. They happen to be hideously dirty at the moment even though I cleaned them this morning. I hate slush!
10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright. But I like natural light, or several small lamps placed in various spots and illuminating the walls. A big lamp in the middle of the ceiling is a no-no.
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I stole it from Philippa ages ago. ;) I've never met her, but she is a great inspiration, and seems like a very fun yet at the same time a very balanced person.
12. What does your watch look like?
Don't have one right now... Steve's mom gave me her old watch after my own broke down over a year ago. Unfortunately, this watch also broke down recently... I was using my stopwatch (blue) until it also died. See a pattern? ;) I don't think I've ever had a watch last me longer than 11 months, which is really frustrating!
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Falling asleep, or trying to. Or maybe I was already asleep.
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
That was ages ago, in Australia. Probably a train cancellation notice?
15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
I pass by one on my way home when I walk. Not sure if there is 7-11 close to where I live.
16. Whats a word that you say a lot?
Oups nd kik. Kik has a secret meaning. :)
17. Who's the last person that told you they love you?
Steve. :D
18. Last furry thing you touched?
The sweater I'm wearing. :P It's fluffy. Before that, probably some cat. Lots of them in my neighbourhood.
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Does coffee count? Actually, it's been longer than 3 days since my last coffee anyway.
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None, but I do need/want to get some photos scanned and digital ones printed.
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
18 was good. 21 was good. 22 was good. 23 was good. After that, I stopped counting. ;)
22. Your worst enemy?
Myself.
23. What is your current desktop picture?
I rotate two, both of which are scans of Steve's sketches. One is with penguins, and one with sparrows.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"It's due in 3 hours" to a student who was taking a book out.
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
At the moment, I'd pick flying. But rationally, give me the money NOW! ;)
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Oh no, yet again, just when I had thought that my skin was clearing... (that was upon the sight of a new beak out...)
2. How much cash do you have on you?
Less than $2. It's quite a bit, actually, usually I have none!
3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
Four.
4. Favorite planet?
I've always been very intrigued by Jupiter and Saturn. :)
Oh no, yet again, just when I had thought that my skin was clearing... (that was upon the sight of a new beak out...)
2. How much cash do you have on you?
Less than $2. It's quite a bit, actually, usually I have none!
3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
Four.
4. Favorite planet?
I've always been very intrigued by Jupiter and Saturn. :)
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Don't have a missed call list...
6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Don't have that either... My Australian cell phone doesn't work here. And even when I was still using it, I just went with one of the generic ones which were already on the phone.
7. What shirt are you wearing?
A lovely fluffy-ish woolen sweater, which I got in Winners a few years back. It's warm and feels great on my skin, and it's one of those tops of mine which I don't wear often - because I like them so much and want them to last forever!
8. Do you "label" yourself?
Probably. Well, certainly.
9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing?
No brand... got them from a very small shop in Europe. Black casual boots with zippers on the side. They happen to be hideously dirty at the moment even though I cleaned them this morning. I hate slush!
10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright. But I like natural light, or several small lamps placed in various spots and illuminating the walls. A big lamp in the middle of the ceiling is a no-no.
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I stole it from Philippa ages ago. ;) I've never met her, but she is a great inspiration, and seems like a very fun yet at the same time a very balanced person.
12. What does your watch look like?
Don't have one right now... Steve's mom gave me her old watch after my own broke down over a year ago. Unfortunately, this watch also broke down recently... I was using my stopwatch (blue) until it also died. See a pattern? ;) I don't think I've ever had a watch last me longer than 11 months, which is really frustrating!
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Falling asleep, or trying to. Or maybe I was already asleep.
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
That was ages ago, in Australia. Probably a train cancellation notice?
15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
I pass by one on my way home when I walk. Not sure if there is 7-11 close to where I live.
16. Whats a word that you say a lot?
Oups nd kik. Kik has a secret meaning. :)
17. Who's the last person that told you they love you?
Steve. :D
18. Last furry thing you touched?
The sweater I'm wearing. :P It's fluffy. Before that, probably some cat. Lots of them in my neighbourhood.
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Does coffee count? Actually, it's been longer than 3 days since my last coffee anyway.
20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None, but I do need/want to get some photos scanned and digital ones printed.
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
18 was good. 21 was good. 22 was good. 23 was good. After that, I stopped counting. ;)
22. Your worst enemy?
Myself.
23. What is your current desktop picture?
I rotate two, both of which are scans of Steve's sketches. One is with penguins, and one with sparrows.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"It's due in 3 hours" to a student who was taking a book out.
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
At the moment, I'd pick flying. But rationally, give me the money NOW! ;)
26. Do you like someone?
Very much. :)
27. The last song you listened to?
That would have been on Sunday night while on the bus home after work. Dido was playing, but I can't quite remember which song!
28. What time of day were you born?
8:55 am, I think.
29. Whats your favorite number?
9.
30. Where did you live in 1987?
In a cramped apartment in a very old, run-down house on a small gray street. But I spent quite a bit of time away - in at least two different locations in the countryside, at my aunt's place whenever I was sick, and I practically lived in the kindergarten, being one of the first kids to arrive and one of the last ones to go home. I think it was around that time that I had resolved to run away from home and live in one of the huge poplars which I could see from the balcony.
31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not really.
32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Doubt anyone would... (there's my self-worth for you...).
33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
It was right after the start of the academic year here, and I was volunteering at the International Student Centre at my uni. My job was to greet the newly-arriving international students, and then to basically drown them with information about the campus and the city. At some point, a girl came running and said something about a plane crashing somewhere and if any distressed American students came in, to direct them to the counsellor upstairs. It was busy, and I didn't quite get it. Later on I was on my way to a lecture, and had to pass through a lobby which had a huge wall TV. I had never seen that many people there, and I remember thinking, "Gee, that TV sure is popular..." Then I glanced at the screen and did a long "Oooooh..." in my head.
34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I avoid them like a plague, so fortunately that doesn't happen too often!
35. Do you consider yourself kind?
I try to. Lots of people say I am. But sometimes I get really worked up.
36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
No idea. Somewhere where it was sort of hidden and not immediately visible, that's for sure. That would be an interesting way to surprise people. Doubt I'd ever get one though, just not my thing.
37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
I can't pick just one! Probably French, because it's so beautiful, but on the other hand, it would be nice to be really fluent in German after all these years!
38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Certainly.
39. Are you touchy feely
Yes, but only with those close to me. I hate when strangers touch me.
40. What's your life motto?
Smile!
41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Contact lenses. Ear-rings. A watch, if I had one at the moment. Used to be my pedometer, but I haven't been using it much recently.
42. What's your favourite town/city?
Again, impossible to pick one! :) Let's say Krakow (Poland)!
43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
*gasp* A hot-dog... I had not brought enough food to uni yesterday, and I was starving and that was the only thing I could afford ($2.25). It wasn't that bad actually. I hadn't had one since the last time I found myself in this situation (last September or so), and I headed to the gym shortly after.
44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
I wrote a couple of cards recently - a Valentine for my Sweetheart, a birthday card for his Nan, and then a letter/Christmas card to my best friend back in December. A 'real' letter though? Years ago. :( How I miss writing letters... I used to have lots of pen pals all over the world, but no more.
45. Can you change the oil on a car?
Never tried. I reckon I'd manage if I had a set of instructions!
46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? Ummm... the real first love, or the first crush?
I had my first crush in kindergarten, the older brother of one of the girls. Never heard anything about him, mostly because I didn't really know him or his sister. There were a few crushes later on, but no true love until I met Steve. Hope to speak with him on the phone tonight and find out what's up. :)
47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Nothing past my grandparents really, and about them I know very little. Though apparently my mother's uncle once traced the family 250 years back - and that would have been thirty to fifty years ago.
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Let's put it this way - it's been a long time! At the moment, 'fancy' is whenever I feel good in something I'm wearing, and when I can wear something that's been at the back of the closet for ages ('cuz it didn't fit).
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Not today. A few days ago my legs were sore all over (result of a very intense ABT class a few days ago!), but another class a the gym seems to have helped with that.
50. Have you been burned by love?
Yes, though I no longer know if that really was love (probably not). Still hurt.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Chaser of Rainbows
Once, when Emily had been very small, living with her father down in the little old house at Maywood, where he had died, she had started out to seek the rainbow's end. Over long wet fields and hills she ran, hopeful, expectant. But as she ran the wonderful arch was fased - was dim - was gone. Emily was alone in an alien valley, not too sure in which direction lay home. For a moment her lips quivered, her eyes filled. Then she lifted her face and smiled gallantly at the emtpy sky.
"There will be other rainbows." she said.
Emily was a chaser of rainbows.
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