It's another quiet evening after another autumn-like day. I hope summer makes a comeback and stays around for a while - I'm not ready for fall yet. The title? Nothing much, just a phrase which popped into my head right before I started typing this. Though come to think of it, I've been pondering things recently - remembering periods of worry or stress, periods of waiting for the answers and solutions to some (then) Big Questions and Uncertainties. Everything passed, everything was fine in the end and, looking back, seems so insignificant. Perspective. Perspective is everything, isn't it?
So this shall pass.
In one of the corners of my living room, perched on a box full of books, is a cardboard tube. It contains a number of posters which I never unpacked after the last move - because I'm only here for a short while and because this place simply isn't worth them. One with Australian Aboriginal art. A penguin poster, and a tiger poster. A reproduction of an old map of Upper Canada. And my old blue Contemplation poster, which I probably miss the most. I can't wait until this poster, and other dear things, grace the space of a place which I will hold equally dear. I know that will come. It will come... because sooner or later, the winds of upheaval quieten, the waves soften, because sunlight always follows a storm. Because things pass.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Time To Lace Up My Shoes
I am sitting here, slowly sipping a latte and munching a delicious muffin from Cherry Bomb Coffee. I don't have anything profound or interesting to say... or if I do, it's not quite coming out. Things are going well, yet at the same time they aren't. Things are not good, yet at the same time they are. Is it always so? I have been receiving a mix of good and bad news recently, and there are moments when I can no longer make sense of anything. It would seem that, overall, everything is heading in the right direction. But up close, it's one step forward, two steps back.
It's about wanting to talk about the good things and the hopeful dreams and dreamy hopes, yet at the same time not wanting to jinx them. And about wanting to share the bad things, the disappointments and sad bits, yet at the same time wanting to forget about them.
I've been casting glances at my old journal, for months now. I always see it, and even if it's not in my range of vision, I know it's there, and I feel its pull. But when I open it and take a pen in my hand, my mind goes blank. I'm slowly realizing why that might be - and I pray that this is the reason indeed, or otherwise it simply means that I just cannot write anymore.
My journal. It's a thick, very thick, graph paper notebook in a plaid-patterned hard cover. The first entry dates to December many years ago... December 2000. Three years later, the entries get very - and I mean very - sparse. There is only one for all of 2004. Things pick up a bit in 2005 and 2006, but never quite recover.
Earlier this year, I tried an experiment with a calendar-type journal, in which one day had only one page. It was an attempt at combating the apparent issue of lack of time. Filling in one page per day would only take a few minutes. But this approach did not quite work. Some days, I did not feel like writing. Other days, I wanted to write pages and pages.
Thus, in April, I went back to the old notebook. In one of the entries, I hit the nail on the head and finally admitted to myself why I was having trouble writing. In a nutshell, I was not willing to write about the thing which truly need to be written down, and let out, released. The end result were dry, shallow entries. That's not what a journal is about.
Although I am still not quite ready to write about many things, I have made some progress. I will write about them. But first, I need to resolve a few others, bring a conclusion to a number of situations and issues.
The first page of my old notebook contains an anonymous quote. At the time, it was the perfect phrase to put at the start of a new volume of my diary. I have filled many journals in the past, and I had never expected this one to still have plenty of space left nearly 7 years later. The opening line has long since ceased to apply - to my life, and to me as a person.
Yet if I was to retire this journal and start a new one today, it would feel like running away and leaving things unfinished. Moreover, the overall situation would not change: I'd still struggle with putting some things in writing.
Soon, I will write again. In a new book. But first, I need to tie up the loose ends.
It's about wanting to talk about the good things and the hopeful dreams and dreamy hopes, yet at the same time not wanting to jinx them. And about wanting to share the bad things, the disappointments and sad bits, yet at the same time wanting to forget about them.
I've been casting glances at my old journal, for months now. I always see it, and even if it's not in my range of vision, I know it's there, and I feel its pull. But when I open it and take a pen in my hand, my mind goes blank. I'm slowly realizing why that might be - and I pray that this is the reason indeed, or otherwise it simply means that I just cannot write anymore.
My journal. It's a thick, very thick, graph paper notebook in a plaid-patterned hard cover. The first entry dates to December many years ago... December 2000. Three years later, the entries get very - and I mean very - sparse. There is only one for all of 2004. Things pick up a bit in 2005 and 2006, but never quite recover.
Earlier this year, I tried an experiment with a calendar-type journal, in which one day had only one page. It was an attempt at combating the apparent issue of lack of time. Filling in one page per day would only take a few minutes. But this approach did not quite work. Some days, I did not feel like writing. Other days, I wanted to write pages and pages.
Thus, in April, I went back to the old notebook. In one of the entries, I hit the nail on the head and finally admitted to myself why I was having trouble writing. In a nutshell, I was not willing to write about the thing which truly need to be written down, and let out, released. The end result were dry, shallow entries. That's not what a journal is about.
Although I am still not quite ready to write about many things, I have made some progress. I will write about them. But first, I need to resolve a few others, bring a conclusion to a number of situations and issues.
The first page of my old notebook contains an anonymous quote. At the time, it was the perfect phrase to put at the start of a new volume of my diary. I have filled many journals in the past, and I had never expected this one to still have plenty of space left nearly 7 years later. The opening line has long since ceased to apply - to my life, and to me as a person.
Yet if I was to retire this journal and start a new one today, it would feel like running away and leaving things unfinished. Moreover, the overall situation would not change: I'd still struggle with putting some things in writing.
Soon, I will write again. In a new book. But first, I need to tie up the loose ends.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Happy Birthday Puppy!
Yesterday marked the birthday of someone truly wonderful. Someone who is a very skilled in of all softs of arts, such as boucing, barking-when-not-asked, tug-of-warring, food-begging, leaning-against-potential-fur-strokers and winning-your-heart. But most importantly, someone who has truly mastered the art of staying young at heart. :)
Happy 13th Birthday Ace!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Frog Tunes
A few nights ago, on a warm, quiet evening, I sat on an old wooden veranda overlooking a peaceful, beautiful and soothing garden. The floorboards cracked slightly whenever someone shuffled behind me, a gentle smell of incense was penetrating the air. I could hear the guzzling of a small water fountain, and I knew that there were dozens of fish swimming in the pond. If I stretched out my hand, I could touch the wooden banister. The wood was old, unpainted, polished by decades of use and weather, so worn out, I could trace the annual rings of the tree which it once was.
I sat there with my eyes closed, and I listened. It almost felt like being transported back in time, to a small intersection where a stony, unpaved road branched off an asphalt track to climb a steep hill. On one corner, there was a fence and a house, and on the other, there was a shallow pond, the size of which changed just as the seasons changed. In that pond, frogs changed and sang their songs every summer evening.
It's only been a few nights since I sat on the wooden veranda inhaling the incense-filled air, and since the frogs chanted and sang, chanted and sang, like they did in that old pond so many summers ago.
Some day I will again sit somewhere and listen. And when I will think back, will it be the 6-year-old, or the 26-year-old that I will think of? Or will it be the frogs?
I sat there with my eyes closed, and I listened. It almost felt like being transported back in time, to a small intersection where a stony, unpaved road branched off an asphalt track to climb a steep hill. On one corner, there was a fence and a house, and on the other, there was a shallow pond, the size of which changed just as the seasons changed. In that pond, frogs changed and sang their songs every summer evening.
It's only been a few nights since I sat on the wooden veranda inhaling the incense-filled air, and since the frogs chanted and sang, chanted and sang, like they did in that old pond so many summers ago.
Some day I will again sit somewhere and listen. And when I will think back, will it be the 6-year-old, or the 26-year-old that I will think of? Or will it be the frogs?
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Mini Announcement
No, I'm not giving up blogging. ;)
I just wanted my potential leaders to know that the blog will be undergoing an extended period of silence. Up to a month. I will be back though!
This post will be deleted once I'm back online.
ETA: I am considering making this blog 'per invitation only.' I'm not saying it will happen, but it might, so if you'd like to continue reading in the future, please drop me a line.
To figure out my email addy, put together the blog URL (the part before .blogspot.com, to be specific) and gmail.com.
I just wanted my potential leaders to know that the blog will be undergoing an extended period of silence. Up to a month. I will be back though!
This post will be deleted once I'm back online.
ETA: I am considering making this blog 'per invitation only.' I'm not saying it will happen, but it might, so if you'd like to continue reading in the future, please drop me a line.
To figure out my email addy, put together the blog URL (the part before .blogspot.com, to be specific) and gmail.com.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Grassy Zen
I've been trying to come up with something about Phil's visit. I know I kind of should, and maybe that's making it harder. The day when I was feeling slightly inspired, my internet connection died, and I couldn't even be bothered starting up the computer. And since then, nothing is coming out
It's been hard times recently, in an emotional sense. I've been feeling down and rather unhappy - with self, not life or things around me. There are things I badly need to work out, but neither writing nor talking about them seems to help. Action is what is needed, I suppose, but I'm in a rut with that too.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park, alternating between sitting on the grass in the shade and sitting on the grass in the sun, more or less in the same spot where my friend and I had rolled down the grassy hill some weeks ago. I read, wrote in my journal, looked at the scenery, thought, drank water and ate my favourite chocolate wafer bar. And thought, and thought and thought.
Later, I walked around a bit, and my steps took me to a lovely and shady hillside rock garden, complete with a small stream flowing down the rocks and forming waterfalls. There were two red-leafed trees near the top, and the contrast with the greenery around was simply stunning. It made me think of Japan. One almost expected to find a temple somewhere up there.
I stood there for a while, leaning against the iron fence, oblivious to all the comings and goings of families and kids and to all the photo sessions. I saw a bird take a bath in the stream, and I watched the chipmunks as they were running around, chasing each other and picking acorns. A small woodpecker made an appearance. The water made a gentle noise. It was lovely and serene whenever I was there by myself, and that was often, for I stood there for a long time. Eventually I walked way, though my heart ached to stay.
It's been hard times recently, in an emotional sense. I've been feeling down and rather unhappy - with self, not life or things around me. There are things I badly need to work out, but neither writing nor talking about them seems to help. Action is what is needed, I suppose, but I'm in a rut with that too.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon in the park, alternating between sitting on the grass in the shade and sitting on the grass in the sun, more or less in the same spot where my friend and I had rolled down the grassy hill some weeks ago. I read, wrote in my journal, looked at the scenery, thought, drank water and ate my favourite chocolate wafer bar. And thought, and thought and thought.
Later, I walked around a bit, and my steps took me to a lovely and shady hillside rock garden, complete with a small stream flowing down the rocks and forming waterfalls. There were two red-leafed trees near the top, and the contrast with the greenery around was simply stunning. It made me think of Japan. One almost expected to find a temple somewhere up there.
I stood there for a while, leaning against the iron fence, oblivious to all the comings and goings of families and kids and to all the photo sessions. I saw a bird take a bath in the stream, and I watched the chipmunks as they were running around, chasing each other and picking acorns. A small woodpecker made an appearance. The water made a gentle noise. It was lovely and serene whenever I was there by myself, and that was often, for I stood there for a long time. Eventually I walked way, though my heart ached to stay.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Cherry Blossoms, Grassy Hills and Stairs
A lot has been going on, and things have changed, but everything is still the same: I am still behind with my uni projects and unable to work on them, and my living situation is still totally messed up. The good thing is that I did finish the big personal project as planned, thus giving myself the birthday gift I had wanted: having it done and submitted. No news from the receiving end yet, but hopefully soon. I am antsy for the second stage of the project to get moving!
Focus has been totally off for the past few weeks. It was a bit of a weird holiday at first, but now I'm simply tired of this state of things. I can't wait to get back on top of things. I hope that my new living quarters will become liveable by Friday evening, so that I can have a bit of time to unpack at least some of the boxes and make the place at least a bit cozy before I head to the airport on Saturday evening. Guess who is coming to town? ;)
I'm trying to work through some emotional issues. In my head for now, but I hope to transfer my deliberations on to paper (or blog) in the near future. I seem to have tripped on the snare known as 'bad stuff from the past.' In the meantime, here are some joys I had intended to share, but never got around to it.
~~~ CN Tower Stair Climb for WWF in late April
I braved the 1776 steps and did extremely well. Apparently the average time to climb is 30-40 minutes. I was very nervous, but dead set of not exceeding half an hour. Well, I did it in less than 20 minutes and the climb was everything but the dreadful exertion I had expected. Very happy.
~~~ Ohanami, or flower viewing, of the blossoming Japanese Cherry Trees
This is something I had only found out about last year, despite having lived here for a decade. Even though I was in Australia at the time, I was determined to make it this year. I did, and it was gorgeous. Although I have seen blooming cherry trees in the past, I had always treated the display as just one of the phases of spring. This time, I made sure to enjoy and appreciate the beauty.
~~~ Rolling down a grassy hill
A few days after my visit to the see the cherry blossoms, I returned with a friend. Alas, we were too late. The cherry trees were green, not white. We walked on through the park, slightly disappointed but still enjoying ourselves. The footpath took us to the top of a fairly steep slope and my friend remarked how the hill looked just perfect for rolling down. She had barely finished saying that when we noticed a few kids doing just that. We burst out laughing, and... followed suit. It was my first grassy hill roll in a very long time, and a great experience. I must remember to do it again in the future... once in a while, though without waiting two decades!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Send Me Some Sunshine, Send Me A Rainbow
Very very very VERY stressed. Upheaval. Deadlines. Moving. Hopes. Projects. Construction. Dreams. New activities. An upcoming visit. Frustrations. Unstable weather. Laundry. Stressed, stressed, stressed. Crazy wheel. One difficult thing makes another difficult thing yet more difficult, making everything even more difficult in turn.
Where do I start?
I've been working on a personal project since January. It took forever to get all the pieces together, but I finally have them. I am trying to have everything ready by tomorrow, and tiny little complications keep popping up. Logistics.
For various reasons, I'm very behind - drastically behind - with two uni projects. I need to be spending every waking moment on that, but I can't. Logistics.
I was due to move on the 11th. A couple of days earlier, I got told that the new place was not ready and found out that I could not stay longer at my old place because it's been rented out. I decided to camp it out somehow. Just a few days, right? I had my phone and internet service disconnected as planned. Logistics.
It's the 16th, and I'm still sleeping on the floor in my old apartment because the new place is everything but liveable. That state of the matter is unlikely to change any time soon. No clothes, no dishes, no food, no phone, no internet, no table or chair and a whole lot to do. Logistics.
Did I mention logistics? That says it all, so I'll skip the long story.
Perhaps I shouldn't be a rainbow chaser. How can you chase the rainbow if the drama never seems to end? :) The above paragraphs just barely skim the surface of a very complicated story. Good things? Plenty. :) Spring is here. Green leaves, and lily of the valley starting to blossom in the shade. Violets, and blooming cherry trees. Lush green grass. Rolling down a hill with a good friend, laughing out loud and inhaling the gorgeous sweet smell of strawberries. A new yoga course, and a new skating season, and good jumps. Ethiopian, Indian, Korean, Thai, Middle Eastern, Vietnamese, French and Polish food in expedient white takeout boxes. Thunderstorms and smell of freshness in the air. Random tunes playing themselves in my head over and over and over again. May, as in May the month. And never stopping to chase that rainbow.
Where do I start?
I've been working on a personal project since January. It took forever to get all the pieces together, but I finally have them. I am trying to have everything ready by tomorrow, and tiny little complications keep popping up. Logistics.
For various reasons, I'm very behind - drastically behind - with two uni projects. I need to be spending every waking moment on that, but I can't. Logistics.
I was due to move on the 11th. A couple of days earlier, I got told that the new place was not ready and found out that I could not stay longer at my old place because it's been rented out. I decided to camp it out somehow. Just a few days, right? I had my phone and internet service disconnected as planned. Logistics.
It's the 16th, and I'm still sleeping on the floor in my old apartment because the new place is everything but liveable. That state of the matter is unlikely to change any time soon. No clothes, no dishes, no food, no phone, no internet, no table or chair and a whole lot to do. Logistics.
Did I mention logistics? That says it all, so I'll skip the long story.
Perhaps I shouldn't be a rainbow chaser. How can you chase the rainbow if the drama never seems to end? :) The above paragraphs just barely skim the surface of a very complicated story. Good things? Plenty. :) Spring is here. Green leaves, and lily of the valley starting to blossom in the shade. Violets, and blooming cherry trees. Lush green grass. Rolling down a hill with a good friend, laughing out loud and inhaling the gorgeous sweet smell of strawberries. A new yoga course, and a new skating season, and good jumps. Ethiopian, Indian, Korean, Thai, Middle Eastern, Vietnamese, French and Polish food in expedient white takeout boxes. Thunderstorms and smell of freshness in the air. Random tunes playing themselves in my head over and over and over again. May, as in May the month. And never stopping to chase that rainbow.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
In Every Peacock's Life
There comes a time
in every peacock's life
when he must consider
the size of his tail,
for the bigger the tail...
These words have been with me constantly over the past few days, primarily because last Sunday, I unexpectedly saw an amazing display of the blue-green plumage in all its glory. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five Indian Peafowl's and just as many glorious fanned trains.
On a side note, I love Animal Planet and simply love the little 'tidbits'/breakers, like the peacock one. The three yawning lions are the best, though.
Yesterday, I twisted one of my desk lamps so that the light would fall on the wall, thus creating the dispersed 'hue' which I so love. Three small candles complemented the setup, creating indirect brighthness and atmosphere. I loved it. I played a few songs by a strange group known as Budka Suflera, including an old favourite about an old lonely household with its sudden eruption of colour and candlelight and violin and a white lady.
The refrain talks about daylight follows darkness, how tranquility follows a storm. Last night, I played the song simply because I remembered it while browsing old music, remembered that I had it on an old cassette. It didn't seem symbolic then, but perhaps it was.
April was not a good month. I was glad to turn the page of my precious penguin calendar and see the word May.
All the while, I've known what I need to do, but I was not doing it. It was not a happy odyssey. Perhaps it's because the calendar page has been turned, perhaps because it's my favourite month of the year, perhaps because spring is finally truly here, perhaps for some other reason -- but things seem to be looking up. I seem to be seeing little rays of "I want to."
Yesterday I got out of bed and didn't return, I didn't spend 45 minutes in the shower just so I didn't have to deal with the day, and actually felt that it would have been nice to go to work (had I not given the shift away).
Perhaps the past two, three weeks have been the way they have been for a reason. I don't yet know what the reason might have been, but I might just well be on my way to find out.
Earlier today, I did something truly cleansing. Unintentionally.
I will be moving soon, leaving behind a cozy apartment, the big tree in front of my bedroom window and the spacious deck out at the back. What on earth 'inspired' me to move out of a place with a deck right at the beginning of the 'deck enjoyment' season? I will be sailing through treacherous waters and the move might be a mistake, but maybe I will enjoy living there too.
I had not intended to deal with the packing and the boxes until the day before the actual move, but at some point today I found myself emptying the bookshelves and stacking boxes. Some I didn't have to pack, as they have been standing in the corners, untouched since I moved in last September (it's not only the deck that I didn't get to enjoy while living here).
What emerged took my breath away.
Space. Blessed space.
Can't describe it properly, I'm afraid. I despise clutter. Although it seems that sometimes, I need to let it grow, get a life of its own, just so I can enjoy a decluttering spree and once again learn just how much I despise it.
I will be pruning, letting go of a lot of things, cleansing and discarding over the next couple of months. I know it will feel good.
The past couple of weeks have been a lot of things, and one of them was a desperate quest. I fished out my guided meditation CD, mostly to help with sleep (which has been amazingly good recently - which I'm grateful for, though I'm not grateful for the reason why it's been good - which seems to have been avoidance...).
I didn't know that it was a part of the quest. The end of this particular journey seems to be the wish to (decision?) to turn meditation and mindfulness into the way, as opposed to the fix. It also entails discovering what colour I want the inside window frames to be in my dream house (one day, somewhere in time...) and discovering that no matter how appealing it might have seemed at first glance, I actually do not want to follow a certain philosopher's teachings. Nothing wrong with him or his teachings. I just realized that I don't want to follow anyone's teachings but my own.
A friend of mine had this line as her email signature: Everything happens for a reason, for everything there is a season. I am beginning to see the full meaning. It's for a reason that these words had been my own signature for the longest time:
I decided long ago never to live in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived how I believed
Lastly, I discovered a wonderful blog today. I am looking forward to the read. :)
in every peacock's life
when he must consider
the size of his tail,
for the bigger the tail...
These words have been with me constantly over the past few days, primarily because last Sunday, I unexpectedly saw an amazing display of the blue-green plumage in all its glory. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five Indian Peafowl's and just as many glorious fanned trains.
On a side note, I love Animal Planet and simply love the little 'tidbits'/breakers, like the peacock one. The three yawning lions are the best, though.
Yesterday, I twisted one of my desk lamps so that the light would fall on the wall, thus creating the dispersed 'hue' which I so love. Three small candles complemented the setup, creating indirect brighthness and atmosphere. I loved it. I played a few songs by a strange group known as Budka Suflera, including an old favourite about an old lonely household with its sudden eruption of colour and candlelight and violin and a white lady.
The refrain talks about daylight follows darkness, how tranquility follows a storm. Last night, I played the song simply because I remembered it while browsing old music, remembered that I had it on an old cassette. It didn't seem symbolic then, but perhaps it was.
April was not a good month. I was glad to turn the page of my precious penguin calendar and see the word May.
All the while, I've known what I need to do, but I was not doing it. It was not a happy odyssey. Perhaps it's because the calendar page has been turned, perhaps because it's my favourite month of the year, perhaps because spring is finally truly here, perhaps for some other reason -- but things seem to be looking up. I seem to be seeing little rays of "I want to."
Yesterday I got out of bed and didn't return, I didn't spend 45 minutes in the shower just so I didn't have to deal with the day, and actually felt that it would have been nice to go to work (had I not given the shift away).
Perhaps the past two, three weeks have been the way they have been for a reason. I don't yet know what the reason might have been, but I might just well be on my way to find out.
Earlier today, I did something truly cleansing. Unintentionally.
I will be moving soon, leaving behind a cozy apartment, the big tree in front of my bedroom window and the spacious deck out at the back. What on earth 'inspired' me to move out of a place with a deck right at the beginning of the 'deck enjoyment' season? I will be sailing through treacherous waters and the move might be a mistake, but maybe I will enjoy living there too.
I had not intended to deal with the packing and the boxes until the day before the actual move, but at some point today I found myself emptying the bookshelves and stacking boxes. Some I didn't have to pack, as they have been standing in the corners, untouched since I moved in last September (it's not only the deck that I didn't get to enjoy while living here).
What emerged took my breath away.
Space. Blessed space.
Can't describe it properly, I'm afraid. I despise clutter. Although it seems that sometimes, I need to let it grow, get a life of its own, just so I can enjoy a decluttering spree and once again learn just how much I despise it.
I will be pruning, letting go of a lot of things, cleansing and discarding over the next couple of months. I know it will feel good.
The past couple of weeks have been a lot of things, and one of them was a desperate quest. I fished out my guided meditation CD, mostly to help with sleep (which has been amazingly good recently - which I'm grateful for, though I'm not grateful for the reason why it's been good - which seems to have been avoidance...).
I didn't know that it was a part of the quest. The end of this particular journey seems to be the wish to (decision?) to turn meditation and mindfulness into the way, as opposed to the fix. It also entails discovering what colour I want the inside window frames to be in my dream house (one day, somewhere in time...) and discovering that no matter how appealing it might have seemed at first glance, I actually do not want to follow a certain philosopher's teachings. Nothing wrong with him or his teachings. I just realized that I don't want to follow anyone's teachings but my own.
A friend of mine had this line as her email signature: Everything happens for a reason, for everything there is a season. I am beginning to see the full meaning. It's for a reason that these words had been my own signature for the longest time:
I decided long ago never to live in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived how I believed
Lastly, I discovered a wonderful blog today. I am looking forward to the read. :)
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