In Every Peacock's Life

There comes a time

in every peacock's life

when he must consider

the size of his tail,

for the bigger the tail...

These words have been with me constantly over the past few days, primarily because last Sunday, I unexpectedly saw an amazing display of the blue-green plumage in all its glory. Not one, not two, not three, not four, but five Indian Peafowl's and just as many glorious fanned trains.
On a side note, I love Animal Planet and simply love the little 'tidbits'/breakers, like the peacock one. The three yawning lions are the best, though.



Yesterday, I twisted one of my desk lamps so that the light would fall on the wall, thus creating the dispersed 'hue' which I so love. Three small candles complemented the setup, creating indirect brighthness and atmosphere. I loved it. I played a few songs by a strange group known as Budka Suflera, including an old favourite about an old lonely household with its sudden eruption of colour and candlelight and violin and a white lady.
The refrain talks about daylight follows darkness, how tranquility follows a storm. Last night, I played the song simply because I remembered it while browsing old music, remembered that I had it on an old cassette. It didn't seem symbolic then, but perhaps it was.

April was not a good month. I was glad to turn the page of my precious penguin calendar and see the word May.

All the while, I've known what I need to do, but I was not doing it. It was not a happy odyssey. Perhaps it's because the calendar page has been turned, perhaps because it's my favourite month of the year, perhaps because spring is finally truly here, perhaps for some other reason -- but things seem to be looking up. I seem to be seeing little rays of "I want to."

Yesterday I got out of bed and didn't return, I didn't spend 45 minutes in the shower just so I didn't have to deal with the day, and actually felt that it would have been nice to go to work (had I not given the shift away).

Perhaps the past two, three weeks have been the way they have been for a reason. I don't yet know what the reason might have been, but I might just well be on my way to find out.

Earlier today, I did something truly cleansing. Unintentionally.

I will be moving soon, leaving behind a cozy apartment, the big tree in front of my bedroom window and the spacious deck out at the back. What on earth 'inspired' me to move out of a place with a deck right at the beginning of the 'deck enjoyment' season? I will be sailing through treacherous waters and the move might be a mistake, but maybe I will enjoy living there too.

I had not intended to deal with the packing and the boxes until the day before the actual move, but at some point today I found myself emptying the bookshelves and stacking boxes. Some I didn't have to pack, as they have been standing in the corners, untouched since I moved in last September (it's not only the deck that I didn't get to enjoy while living here).

What emerged took my breath away.

Space. Blessed space.

Can't describe it properly, I'm afraid. I despise clutter. Although it seems that sometimes, I need to let it grow, get a life of its own, just so I can enjoy a decluttering spree and once again learn just how much I despise it.

I will be pruning, letting go of a lot of things, cleansing and discarding over the next couple of months. I know it will feel good.

The past couple of weeks have been a lot of things, and one of them was a desperate quest. I fished out my guided meditation CD, mostly to help with sleep (which has been amazingly good recently - which I'm grateful for, though I'm not grateful for the reason why it's been good - which seems to have been avoidance...).

I didn't know that it was a part of the quest. The end of this particular journey seems to be the wish to (decision?) to turn meditation and mindfulness into the way, as opposed to the fix. It also entails discovering what colour I want the inside window frames to be in my dream house (one day, somewhere in time...) and discovering that no matter how appealing it might have seemed at first glance, I actually do not want to follow a certain philosopher's teachings. Nothing wrong with him or his teachings. I just realized that I don't want to follow anyone's teachings but my own.

A friend of mine had this line as her email signature: Everything happens for a reason, for everything there is a season. I am beginning to see the full meaning. It's for a reason that these words had been my own signature for the longest time:

I decided long ago never to live in anyone's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I lived how I believed

Lastly, I discovered a wonderful blog today. I am looking forward to the read. :)